Wednesday, September 12, 2018

"What Was I THINKING?" Year 2018 -- Week One

#1, I’ve been calling this league the DFFL since I had hair, and I’m sure the Commissioner of this league won’t like it, but I’ve decided to go with what my English teacher in college taught me – A two-word hyphenated subject should only get credit for the first letter of the first syllable.  Long story short, It’s the DFFL.  You can call it the DEFFL if you want, Mister Commish.  You’re probably right, as well.  But I got destroyed in Week One in BOTH of my two favorite leagues last weekend, so I’m ticked off and stinging from that Week One spanking.  Therefore, I’m stickin’ with the DFFL.  Did you notice that the school grading systems go “A. B. C. D. F?”  They don’t like the “E,” either.  Case Closed.  (Grin)

#2, It just wouldn’t be right if there was no mention of the loss of one of my best friends in life, and one of the “Original Six” members of the inaugural season of the DFFL, Ben Miller.  He truly loved playing in the DFFL (even though he consistently had problems with the home computer that he used to try to make lineup changes on), and it was his idea that I write this parakeet paper in the first place, to shine a dim light on how amusing our game can be, at times.  We consistently skewered Ben and his “Your Name Here” franchise every week in this column, even when, most of the time, he and his team didn’t deserve the blasts.  Ryan, we thank you for picking up the gauntlet that Ben dropped earlier this year and have continued to use his team name as a tribute.  For Ryan, the BAD news is, we’ve been blasting YNH for 11 years in this column, and we just can’t stop now.  Just a friendly warning – Nuthin’ personal, my friend, but this DFFL tradition will live on as you operate YNH from 2018 on.  It’s your team, and it belongs to all of us.  

OK, that’s done.  Let’s get to the meat and potatoes of the DFFL.  So, now that THAT’S out of my system, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of the moment, tally up the scores, and find out which DFFL team owners / GM’s sang like a beautiful opera singer on “America’s Got Talent,” and which ones sang like Ashlee Simpson at half-time of that old college football bowl game. – It’s time to ask the question we’ve asked since the inaugural 2007 Dunn-Edwards season….

“What Was I THINKING?”

First stop – The Genius Division!  (Don’t worry, we’ll get to that OTHER part, later.)  Now, you’d think that, if we saw no fewer than EIGHT teams score over 100 points in the first week of play, that would translate to some pretty good results when it came to the bench work.  And, you’d be right!  The winner of the Week One Genius Award goes to Mr. MGL, Anthony Pitassi of Mr. Go Lucky.  Anthony’s only mis-step was picking up Antonio Gates off waivers (but wouldn’t start him over Evan Engram. In any case), which cost MGL a whopping 2 points.  We’ll give Anthony 7 good-job points, but minus – ½ point, for not attending the 2018 DFFL draft.  We missed ya, ya big lug!  The silver medal in Genius goes to (GASP!) …What’s this?  Your Name HERE?  Nah, can’t be.  I’ll be right back…. I gotta check this out....

Wow.  I double-checked.  It’s true.  Ben’s old franchise did the deed, with Ryan Francis only losing 4 points to his bench, good for 5 good-job points.  We’ll add an extra point for breaking an 11-year curse of Week One disasters and give YNH 6 points.  The bronze goes to Roberto Abundis, who gets the “Moral Victory Award” (and 3 good-job points) for losing 6 points to the bench but losing by 47 points to the Baltimore Ravens.  No extra bonus points this week, I’m still bitter over Jose Cano dynamiting my team off the FantasyCast On Sunday.  Made my wife happy, Jose.  

OK, here’s how they stand after Week 1 of the 2018 DFFL Genius Division….


1.   Mr. Go Lucky (6.5 points) – Strong start with a 50+ point victory in Week One
2.   Your Name Here (6 points) – Someone go and look to see if the Red Sea is parted
3.   The Killing Fields (3 points) – The Bengals D/ST cost Robert the perfect score

Yet to score – Bolts, Full Tilt Poker (Duh!), Trojans, Burbank Thumpers, Grim Reaper, Mob Squad, Baltimore Ravens, Run / Gun, Norsemen

OK, so, there’s Week One of the Genius division.  Oh, don’t I wish that we could stop right there.  Unfortunately, they didn’t name this column “I’m a Genius, look how good I did!”  No, sorry, we didn’t come here to praise poor Yorik (OK, so I ain’t a Shakespeare fan that can spell, sue me) … We came here to see who just totally flubbed their lineup, thinking they chose wisely, when they should have hired a monkey and a dart board to make their selections…. It’s time to answer the question…


First off, we’re proud to introduce a new scoring system to WWIT. 

If the selections that you’ve made appear to have cost you the game in one way or another, you’ll lose extra points THAT way, as well.  That, and we’re sticking with our minus 7-5-3 system that we’ve had since Brett Favre was a rookie. 

So… Who, you ask, had jumped out of the gate and opened up a small lead in Week One WWIT?  None other than our friend they call the Norsemen, Mr. Rob Mielke.  Rob had himself a day on Sunday, in his match against Jesus Cortez and the Mob Squad.  Let’s begin with this lil’ tidbit – If Jesus would have started Case Keenum instead of Marcus Mariota, the Mob Squad would have won!  (That’ll cost you -1 goofy point, Jesus.) 

Oh, no, we won’t stop here, my friends.  For you see, our Norsemen buddy was in a giving mood, as well.  Rob TRIED to give Jesus the game…He benched Randall Cobb (21 points), who the Bears fans tried to tackle themselves on Sunday night, to no avail.  Then, Rob benched Patrick Mahomes (14 points), who lit up the Chargers at the StubHub Center.  Throw in the Hopkins benching (3 points), and The Norsemen grabbed Week One WWIT Honors by losing a grand total of 38 points to his bench, good for -7 goofy-points, plus another -1 point for dangling that game under Senor Cortez for six hours.  Truly inspiring.

The silver medal in Week One WWIT goes to Alan Sullivan or the Grim Reaper, who lost 35 points to his bench, and lost the Buffalo game against the Ravens on Sunday.  I know how you feel, Alan.  Here’s hoping you never have to face the Chiefs Minus -5 Goof-points for that.  And, to make the Week One WWIT truly a “Family Affair,” the Bronze medal for futility goes to My good Friend Ron Bolton, who lost 28 points to HIS bench last weekend.  (Minus -3 points). 

Let’s give out some extra minus points, here… I already mentioned the Mob Squad’s award… We’re also giving goof-points to Andrew Gillette for blowing HIS game against Run and Gun by leaving 28 points on HIS bench.  That’ll cost him -3 for the 28 points, plus a -1 for the game.  Oh, let’s not forget Grant Herman of the Baltimore Ravens.  When things were going so good for him during the Sunday games, he bragged to me, “Look at me, I’m a LOCK to win the Genius award for this week!”  Uh, WRONG, Mr. Dirty-Bird.  You lost 19 points to YOUR bench.  That’ll cost you a -1 just for bragging.  Some Genius. 

Total carnage on Week One… Here are the full results for WWIT…


1.   Hoarse-Men (-8 points) – Hey, at least the Vikings looked good by beating on Garropolo
2.   Grim Reeker (-5 points) – Found a golden nugget in the Bears’ D/ST
3.   Tragic Trojans (-4 points) – I’ll trade ya Trey Burton for Ebron, At least your TE scored.
4.   Pop-Gun Run (-3 points) – Your BENCH beat my TEAM!  I’m so depressed. (Laugh)
5.   Worst Show on Paper (-1 point) – Let’s all welcome Case Keenum to the Mob Squad!
5.   Dirty Birds (-1 point) – Keep talking, young man!  It’s Full Tilt v. Ravens this week!

Yet to score – Fully-Tilted Poker, (Oh, MY turn is coming, I can feel it), Beautiful Downtown Burbank, Nameless Wonder, Dolts, Dead on the Field, Mr. Not-So-Lucky

Well, that’s all for this week, friends.  When I get the e-mails, I’ll ship it out.  Take care, good luck with the waiver draft, and good luck in next week’s games.  We’ll see you next week!

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