#1, I’ve been
calling this league the DFFL since I had hair, and I’m sure the Commissioner of
this league won’t like it, but I’ve decided to go with what my English teacher
in college taught me – A two-word hyphenated subject should only get credit for
the first letter of the first syllable.
Long story short, It’s the DFFL.
You can call it the DEFFL if you want, Mister Commish. You’re probably right, as well. But I got destroyed in Week One in BOTH of my
two favorite leagues last weekend, so I’m ticked off and stinging from that
Week One spanking. Therefore, I’m
stickin’ with the DFFL. Did you notice
that the school grading systems go “A. B. C. D. F?” They don’t like the “E,” either. Case Closed.
(Grin)
#2, It just
wouldn’t be right if there was no mention of the loss of one of my best friends
in life, and one of the “Original Six” members of the inaugural season of the
DFFL, Ben Miller. He truly loved playing
in the DFFL (even though he consistently had problems with the home computer
that he used to try to make lineup changes on), and it was his idea that I
write this parakeet paper in the first place, to shine a dim light on how
amusing our game can be, at times. We
consistently skewered Ben and his “Your Name Here” franchise every week in this
column, even when, most of the time, he and his team didn’t deserve the
blasts. Ryan, we thank you for picking
up the gauntlet that Ben dropped earlier this year and have continued to use
his team name as a tribute. For Ryan,
the BAD news is, we’ve been blasting YNH for 11 years in this column, and we just
can’t stop now. Just a friendly warning
– Nuthin’ personal, my friend, but this DFFL tradition will live on as you
operate YNH from 2018 on. It’s your
team, and it belongs to all of us.
OK, that’s
done. Let’s get to the meat and potatoes
of the DFFL. So, now that THAT’S out of
my system, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of the moment, tally up the
scores, and find out which DFFL team owners / GM’s sang like a beautiful opera
singer on “America’s Got Talent,” and which ones sang like Ashlee Simpson at
half-time of that old college football bowl game. – It’s time to ask the
question we’ve asked since the inaugural 2007 Dunn-Edwards season….
“What Was I
THINKING?”
First stop –
The Genius Division! (Don’t worry, we’ll
get to that OTHER part, later.) Now,
you’d think that, if we saw no fewer than EIGHT teams score over 100 points in
the first week of play, that would translate to some pretty good results when
it came to the bench work. And, you’d be
right! The winner of the Week One Genius
Award goes to Mr. MGL, Anthony Pitassi of Mr. Go Lucky. Anthony’s only mis-step was picking up
Antonio Gates off waivers (but wouldn’t start him over Evan Engram. In any
case), which cost MGL a whopping 2 points.
We’ll give Anthony 7 good-job points, but minus – ½ point, for not
attending the 2018 DFFL draft. We missed
ya, ya big lug! The silver medal in
Genius goes to (GASP!) …What’s this?
Your Name HERE? Nah, can’t
be. I’ll be right back…. I gotta check this out....
Wow. I double-checked. It’s true.
Ben’s old franchise did the deed, with Ryan Francis only losing 4 points
to his bench, good for 5 good-job points.
We’ll add an extra point for breaking an 11-year curse of Week One
disasters and give YNH 6 points. The
bronze goes to Roberto Abundis, who gets the “Moral Victory Award” (and 3
good-job points) for losing 6 points to the bench but losing by 47 points to
the Baltimore Ravens. No extra bonus
points this week, I’m still bitter over Jose Cano dynamiting my team off the
FantasyCast On Sunday. Made my wife
happy, Jose.
OK, here’s how
they stand after Week 1 of the 2018 DFFL Genius Division….
GENIUS
DIVISION – WEEK 1 STANDINGS – DFFL 2018
1. Mr. Go Lucky (6.5 points) – Strong start
with a 50+ point victory in Week One
2. Your Name Here (6 points) – Someone go and
look to see if the Red Sea is parted
3. The Killing Fields (3 points) – The Bengals
D/ST cost Robert the perfect score
Yet
to score – Bolts, Full Tilt Poker (Duh!), Trojans, Burbank Thumpers, Grim
Reaper, Mob Squad, Baltimore Ravens, Run / Gun, Norsemen
OK, so, there’s
Week One of the Genius division. Oh,
don’t I wish that we could stop right there.
Unfortunately, they didn’t name this column “I’m a Genius, look how good
I did!” No, sorry, we didn’t come here
to praise poor Yorik (OK, so I ain’t a Shakespeare fan that can spell, sue me)
… We came here to see who just totally flubbed their lineup, thinking they
chose wisely, when they should have hired a monkey and a dart board to make
their selections…. It’s time to answer the question…
What Was I
THINKING?”
First off,
we’re proud to introduce a new scoring system to WWIT.
If the
selections that you’ve made appear to have cost you the game in one way or
another, you’ll lose extra points THAT way, as well. That, and we’re sticking with our minus 7-5-3
system that we’ve had since Brett Favre was a rookie.
So… Who, you
ask, had jumped out of the gate and opened up a small lead in Week One
WWIT? None other than our friend they
call the Norsemen, Mr. Rob Mielke. Rob
had himself a day on Sunday, in his match against Jesus Cortez and the Mob
Squad. Let’s begin with this lil’ tidbit
– If Jesus would have started Case Keenum instead of Marcus Mariota, the Mob
Squad would have won! (That’ll cost you
-1 goofy point, Jesus.)
Oh, no, we
won’t stop here, my friends. For you
see, our Norsemen buddy was in a giving mood, as well. Rob TRIED to give Jesus the game…He benched
Randall Cobb (21 points), who the Bears fans tried to tackle themselves on
Sunday night, to no avail. Then, Rob
benched Patrick Mahomes (14 points), who lit up the Chargers at the StubHub
Center. Throw in the Hopkins benching (3
points), and The Norsemen grabbed Week One WWIT Honors by losing a grand total
of 38 points to his bench, good for -7 goofy-points, plus another -1 point for
dangling that game under Senor Cortez for six hours. Truly inspiring.
The silver
medal in Week One WWIT goes to Alan Sullivan or the Grim Reaper, who lost 35
points to his bench, and lost the Buffalo game against the Ravens on
Sunday. I know how you feel, Alan. Here’s hoping you never have to face the
Chiefs Minus -5 Goof-points for that.
And, to make the Week One WWIT truly a “Family Affair,” the Bronze medal
for futility goes to My good Friend Ron Bolton, who lost 28 points to HIS bench
last weekend. (Minus -3 points).
Let’s give out
some extra minus points, here… I already mentioned the Mob Squad’s award… We’re
also giving goof-points to Andrew Gillette for blowing HIS game against Run and
Gun by leaving 28 points on HIS bench.
That’ll cost him -3 for the 28 points, plus a -1 for the game. Oh, let’s not forget Grant Herman of the
Baltimore Ravens. When things were going
so good for him during the Sunday games, he bragged to me, “Look at me, I’m a
LOCK to win the Genius award for this week!”
Uh, WRONG, Mr. Dirty-Bird. You
lost 19 points to YOUR bench. That’ll
cost you a -1 just for bragging. Some
Genius.
Total carnage
on Week One… Here are the full results for WWIT…
WHAT
WAS I THINKING DIVISION – WEEK 1 RESULTS - 2018
1. Hoarse-Men (-8 points) – Hey, at least the
Vikings looked good by beating on Garropolo
2. Grim Reeker (-5 points) – Found a golden
nugget in the Bears’ D/ST
3. Tragic Trojans (-4 points) – I’ll trade ya
Trey Burton for Ebron, At least your TE scored.
4. Pop-Gun Run (-3 points) – Your BENCH beat my
TEAM! I’m so depressed. (Laugh)
5. Worst Show on Paper (-1 point) – Let’s all
welcome Case Keenum to the Mob Squad!
5. Dirty Birds (-1 point) – Keep talking, young
man! It’s Full Tilt v. Ravens this week!
Yet
to score – Fully-Tilted Poker, (Oh, MY turn is coming, I can feel it),
Beautiful Downtown Burbank, Nameless Wonder, Dolts, Dead on the Field, Mr.
Not-So-Lucky
Well, that’s
all for this week, friends. When I get
the e-mails, I’ll ship it out. Take
care, good luck with the waiver draft, and good luck in next week’s games. We’ll see you next week!
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