Tuesday, September 25, 2018

"What Was I THINKING?" - Week Three - 2018

Week 3 - That guy above kinda looks like me...

This 2018 NFL season has been quite a roller-coaster ride to this point, hasn’t it?  And, when it comes to tracking the pulse of professional football on a weekly basis, there’s no better testing of the barometer than risking a gaze into the happenings here in the Dunn-Edwards Fantasy Football League.  Check out these two “Fantasy Football Facts” that have become evident at this stage of NFL play….

Fantasy Fact #1 – Is scoring UP in the National Football League?  Well, it depends on the stats you use.  Remember the DFFL average scoring stats that we discovered were surprisingly high LAST week (109.54 AVERAGE team scoring)?  Well, in DFFL play in Week Three, that number dipped sharply to a new low of 92.6, which suggests one thing to me – WWIT might be fun…

Fantasy Fact #2 -- Well, now, HERE’S a surprise.  The DFFL is all of three weeks old, and there are NO undefeated teams in league play.  After THREE WEEKS.  Typical Dunn-Ed, isn’t it?  “We’re the kinder, gentler fantasy football league.”  Yeah, right… Be honest – We ALL want to be 3-and-0 on the season, and bad beat stories that make or break us weekly abound, don’t they?  (Laugh)

It’s just how we roll here in Dunn-Ed, friends.  That’s why we HAVE to be the most successful zero-cost league in fantasy football.  We all care!  (That, and we just can’t wait to steal a win from our opponents that are either family members, or friends.  I’m in two high-octane pay-per-year leagues…. But on Monday, when the dust settles on another crazy week of NFL games, guess which league I look into, first. 

Yep.  The DFFL.

But enough of this sob-story, you’re saying to yourselves.  Let’s get to what REALLY matters – Who GOOFED last weekend?  (Laugh) So, without further propaganda from the writer of this parakeet paper, I think it’s just about time to find out who joined the DFFL Mensa League for gifted franchise owners this week, and who pushed and shoved their way to the front of the concussion protocol line…. – It’s time to ask the question that we’re ALL here to ask…

“What Was I THINKING?”

First stop – The Genius Division, where many strive to reach the top, while others (like me) can only dream of…. And, a quick look at the standings this week tell me that we have not ONE, but TWO franchises that are kickin’ some serious butt with their weekly lineup settings, EVERY week.  The gold medal this week goes (for the second consecutive week) to our friend Jose Cano, of the resurgent Burbank Thumpers.  Jose lost a grand total of just TWO points to his bench, by not starting George Kittle of the ‘Niners (and benching Zach Ertz, something NOBODY would do).  We’re giving Jose 7 good-job points for this week.

Now, you’d think that back-to-back 7-spots in Genius Division play would vault you to the top of the standings.  Nope.  Reason?  Because Ryan Francis of Your Name Here has scored ANOTHER second place finish in Week 3, barely losing out on top honors with his 3-point loss to the bench.  We’re giving 5 points for another nice effort, plus a +1 bonus point for 3 straight weeks of excellence.

The Week 3 Bronze medal (worth +3 points) goes to the Trojans, for their 5-point loss as a result of a PK set.  Bonus points this week go to Robert Abundis of The Killing Fields for losing just 6 points to his bench, plus an additional +1 point for NOT starting the Chiefs DST, And Jesus Cortez of the Mod Squad, just because.  I didn’t want to give Robert points, and leave Jesus with nothing.  I know, it doesn’t make any sense… My point, exactly.  (Grin)

OK, here’s how they stand after Week Two of the 2018 DFFL Genius Division….


1.   Your Name Here (19 points) – That’s 19 out of a possible 21 points, setting a record pace
2.   Burbank Thumpers (14 points) – Back-to-back +7 finishes, easily could have been 3-0
3.   Trojans (8 points) – Just a kicker away from perfection this week, will challenge all year
3.   The Killing Fields (8 points) – Couldn’t start the Chiefs D/ST, another good week in Genius
5.   Baltimore Ravens (7 points) – Not this week, Bird-Boy. Welcome to WWIT.
6.   Mr. Go Lucky (6.5 points) – Tough week for our friend, Anthony.
7.   Full Tilt Poker (5 points) – Out of the running already after just 3 weeks.  No surprise.
8.   Run & Gun (3 points) – I’m guessing you’ll pass me by next week, Ron.  Just a hunch.
9.   Mob Squad (1 point) – It’s a kinder and gentler WWIT scribe this week, feeling generous!

Yet to score – Bolts, Grim Reaper, Norsemen

And there they go….  And, as much as it pains me, we MUST continue our elevator down into the fantasy football version of Hades.  Let’s see just who tried VERY hard to lose another game this weekend with his “blind squirrel finds acorn” selection strategy, as we now ask that fabled question…


First, A small addendum to those of you that would like to know just how we arrive at the scoring here in WWIT… We’ll use the Week 3 scoring for Rob Mielke’s team, The Norsemen, as our guinea pig.

Last Sunday, The Norsemen benched WR Sterling Shepard and Kicker Dan Bailey.  Shepard ended up posting 14 fantasy points, while one of Rob’s starters, Stefon Diggs, scored just one fantasy point.  Had Rob started Shepard, he would have scored 13 more points than officially listed in the FantasyCast, therefore, Shepard’s WWIT score is 13.  Rob “should” have started Boswell, which would have earned 6 more points than that goose-egg that Bailey posted, so, Bailey’s WWIT score is 6.  We add the 13 + 6, to arrive at a total of 19 points lost to his bench.

So, when you see Shepard at 14, WE see him as +13 in WWIT-Land.  Boring, huh?  Agree.  End of school for the day, let’s move on.

Well, as you can imagine, I’ve stalled long enough, and must personally take a bow for my incredibly short-sighted decision-making process when it came to setting Full Tilt Poker’s lineup for the week. 

Here’s how that process went… 1) Being a Charger fan, I thought that the only way that the team could avoid getting Rivers killed was a short dump-off pass tack.  That’s why I started Austin Ekeler over Chris Carson.  Wrong!  13 points lost, there.  2)  Short passing attack?  Better bench Mike Williams!  Wrong!  Lost 15 POINTS there.  3)  I’m sticking with Trey Burton over Vance McDonald.  Wrong again, you idiot!  Lost 13 more points with that genius move.  Total loss – 41 points, which wins me -7 goof points, plus and additional =1 idiot point because I should have actually THOUGHT about it.

Finishing a distant second in WWIT this weekend was Anthony Pitassi of MGL, who lost 39 points to his bench.  We’ll give Anthony -5 for second place., plus another -1 goof point for benching Garropolo.  Actually, we should give MGL a positive point, for foreseeing that injury coming!  But.. I won’t, because I’m biter.  The tarnished bronze medal for WWIT this weekend goes to Alan Sullivan of the Grim Reaper, who lost 31 points to the bench.  -3 points for Alan.

Oh, and before we go, we’ve got some more minus points to give out… -1 point to Grant Herman’s Dirty Birds for BENCHING the three guys I told him to start.  He woulda had a perfecto, if he listened to me.  (On second thought, I lost 500 points to my bench.  He was right, NOT listening!)  Let’s see, who else… Oh!  Rob Mielke of the Norsemen gets a -1 for that Viking fiasco against Alan’s Bills. 

That’s all.. Week 3 is finally dark.… Here are the full results for WWIT…


1.   Grim Reeker (-15 points) – Gotta be feeling good about beating the Vikings on Sunday
2.   Fully Tilted Poker (-10 points) – Don’t get too comfy ap there, Alan.  I’m closing fast!
2.   Mr. Not-So-Lucky (-10 points) – Sorry about the loss of Garropolo, Anthony. Bad Break.
4.   Hoarse-Men (-9 points) – Have fun at the game Thursday, Rob.  Good luck!
5.   Worst Show on Paper (-7 points) – How are YOU within 3 points of ME? Can’t win this.
6.   Tragic Trojans (-4 points) – Another guy that has no chance of winning this WWIT.
7.   Pop-Gun Run (-3 points) – Gotta start that Kupp guy.  He’s shifty.
8.   Dirty Birds (-2 points) – I told you to START Lutz and Rodgers, bud!
8    Dolts (-2 points) – Two bonus points won’t bring you down to my level, Jim.

Yet to score - Beautiful Downtown Burbank, Nameless Wonder, Dead on the Field

Well, that’s all for this week, friends.  As always, I have all the e-mails to ship out the parakeet paper every week, on Tuesday, normally around Noon..  Some of you don’t have Microsoft Office / Word.  If that’s the case, just check out the weekly WWIT at www.theacescasinoblog.com.  Have a good week!

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

"What Was I THINKING?" Year 2018 - Week Two

OK… THAT was one amazing week of play in the ol’ DFFL!  Fans of the National Football League have been buzzing concerning all of the high scores during the games of the last two weeks.  Those same fans should come on over and check out the DFFL’s two-week blitzkrieg of staggering numbers!  For the second week in a row, EIGHT of the 12 Dunn-Ed franchises posted a total score of over 100 points, and, as a league, the Dunn-Edwards Fantasy Football League team scoring average comes in at a whopping 109.54 for the 24 game entries.  That, my friends, is SICK!  Obviously, the team owners in the DFFL know what they’re doing.  Congrats to all for the outrageous scoring totals.  Keep up the good work!

Now, yes, that’s all well and good… But … You ALL know that high scores and monster scoring averages AREN’T why you’re all here, reading this blog today.  You’re all here to find out who, among all the DFFL glitz and glamour, has again sunk to the depths of fantasy football despair.  Well, I’ll tell you one thing – No less than 11 of the 12 teams in the DFFL scored some sort of “points.” 

There’s a little something for EVERYONE, in this week’s blog, my friends.

So, without further propaganda from the writer of this parakeet paper, I think it’s just about time to find out just who got an “A” on their second-week mid-term paper, and who should have just folded that paper in half, molded it into a paper airplane, and flew it right into the can. – It’s time to ask the question that we’re ALL here to ask…

“What Was I THINKING?”

OK, check this out, my friends – They don’t call our gold medal of setting lineups in the DFFL the “Genius” Division for nothing.  Our league broke the record for “most franchises posting a zero-point loss for the weekend, with THREE PERFECT SCORES!  The 3 teams turning the trick in Week Two’s game play were Grant Herman of the Baltimore Ravens (Who lost to Full Tilt Poker in a blowout), The Burbank Thumpers (who lost a one-point heartbreaker to the Trojans), and…Yes, you guessed it –

YOUR NAME HERE!  Yes, you read it right – Your – Name – Here, with a perfect score for Week Two play!  And, not only did Ryan Francis post a perfecto for the weekend … He ALSO was VICTORIOUS in his match against the Killing Fields.  Each of these three teams receive seven big atta-boy points, for a job well done. 

OK.. so, there’s 3 perfect scores.  Next up, the silver medalists for Week Two… Two more teams that gave up just 1 lousy point to their bench for this week – Yours truly of Full Tilt, and Andy Gillette, of the Trojans.  That makes FIVE teams with either perfectos, or near-perfect posting.  Truly amazing.  5 Way-to-go points for Andy and moi.  Finishing out the scoring with Bronze medal play for week two are Ron Bolton of Run & Gun and Roberto Abundis of The Killing Fields with just 5 points lost to the bench.  That’s SEVEN teams with 5 or less points lost to the bench.  Wild.

OK, here’s how they stand after Week Two of the 2018 DFFL Genius Division….


1.   Your Name Here (13 points) – Forget the Red Sea, this young man is a PLAYA.
2.   Burbank Thumpers (7 points) – Jose’s team pumping on all cylinders, should be 2-0
2.   Baltimore Ravens (7 points) – Someone had to cool Grant off -- No Fournette / Rodgers
4.   Mr. Go Lucky (6.5 points) – Holding firm with an undefeated record in Dunn-Ed Play
5.   The Killing Fields (6 points) – Robert ran into another hot DFFL team in Week 2
6    Full tilt Poker (5 points) – Distant sixth already.  EIGHT points behind YNH?  Really?
6.   Trojans (5 points) – Deserved a perfecto, too.  Lost one point w/Falcons DST
8.   Run & Gun (3 points) – Bilal Powell has kept Ron from perfectos 5 TIMES in the past

Yet to score – Bolts, Grim Reaper, Norsemen, Mob Squad

And there they go, my friends.  Our Geniuses of Week Two.  And as those eight franchises fade into the sunset of the second week of Dunn-Ed play, we now turn our attention to the seedy underbelly of Dunn-Ed’s “Gotham City.”  Unfortunately, there IS no “Caped Crusader to save what’s about to happen with some of our fine franchises, but, as A. J. Smith so aptly put it some many years ago as the San Diego Chargers’ GM – “It is what it is.”  Thank you for that stirring prose, A.J.  Let’s find out who bought their 2018 Fantasy Football Guide Book from the Dollar tree, as we now ask that fabled question…


First off, we’re proud to introduce a new scoring system to WWIT. 

If the selections that you’ve made appear to have cost you the game in one way or another, you’ll lose extra points THAT way, as well.  That, and we’re sticking with our minus 7-5-3 system that we’ve had since Brett Favre was a rookie. 

First off, we stop right at the Full Tilt Poker doorstep, with a late addition to the scoring system for Week One.  I found a mistake in tabulating Robert Adundis’ score for Week One, and have now corrected the score.  Unfortunately, that’s not good enough for THIS WWIT column.  You goof, you get goofy-points.  We’re giving Full tilt -2 points, and hope he keep the scoring straight, from now on.

Now, HERE’S how good the total scoring was for the week.  Yes, our WWIT Champion for Week Two play is our friend, Alan Sullivan of Grim Reaper fame, but he lost all 23 of the bench points with just one player – Big Ben Roethlisberger.  A bad break for Alan, but there’s good news – He won his game in Week 2!  Congrats for that, and here’s your prize - -7 Goofy points. 

For Week 2, the tarnished WWIT silver medal goes to Jesus Cortez, of the Mob Squad.  You know things are going bad, when you find out that Jesus lost two points to his bench with Matt Patricia and the Lions’ DST.  That’s gonna cost the Squad -5 goofy points.  Bronze medal for futility goes to Anthony Pitassi of the undefeated MGL team, for a -3 on the ledger for that performance.

Oh, and before we go, we’ve got some serious minus points to give out… We already mentioned Full Tilt’s accounting problem for -2… Also getting popped for an extra point this week – MGL, for benching Zane Gonzales of Cleveland Browns fame, and then jinxing him so badly, he got cut today…. The Mob Squad, for making me spell the word, “Patricia” … and the Norsemen, for Benching Randall Cobb, after he put up a big total last week.  He’s a Packer-Hater, minus-1 for that.  Oh, and I noticed that Commissioner Francis’ Bolts were the only team not to score ANY points this week!  We’ll, we can fix that, here’s a minus-1 for you, too.  A present, from me to you!

Total carnage on Week One… Here are the full results for WWIT…


1.   Grim Reeker (-12 points) – Boy, Alan… That Bills team… And now, the VIKES?  YIKES!
2.   Hoarse-Men (-8 points) – Should dock you another point for Carlson’s swan song
3.   Worst Show on Paper (-7 points) – Just a matter of time before O.J. gets you
4.   Tragic Trojans (-4 points) – Zeke pulled that win out for you, Andy!.  Nice game..
4.   Mr. Not-So-Lucky (-4 points) – Phone call for you, Anthony – It’s Zane Gonzales
6.   Pop-Gun Run (-3 points) – Russell Wilson needs HELP, Ron.  He’s in tough.
7.   Fully Tilted Poker (-2 points) – Dude, if you can’t add, give the WWIT column up!
8.   Dirty Birds (-1 point) – Nice perfecto, my son!
8    Dolts (-1 point) – If I’M getting negative points, YOU’RE getting negative points!

Yet to score - Beautiful Downtown Burbank, Nameless Wonder, Dead on the Field

Well, that’s all for this week, friends.  I have all the e-mails to ship out the parakeet paper every week, on Tuesday.  Some of you don’t have Microsoft Office / Word.  If that’s the case, let me know, and I’ll continue to post WWIT on the Aces Casino Blog.  Have a good week!

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

"What Was I THINKING?" Year 2018 -- Week One

#1, I’ve been calling this league the DFFL since I had hair, and I’m sure the Commissioner of this league won’t like it, but I’ve decided to go with what my English teacher in college taught me – A two-word hyphenated subject should only get credit for the first letter of the first syllable.  Long story short, It’s the DFFL.  You can call it the DEFFL if you want, Mister Commish.  You’re probably right, as well.  But I got destroyed in Week One in BOTH of my two favorite leagues last weekend, so I’m ticked off and stinging from that Week One spanking.  Therefore, I’m stickin’ with the DFFL.  Did you notice that the school grading systems go “A. B. C. D. F?”  They don’t like the “E,” either.  Case Closed.  (Grin)

#2, It just wouldn’t be right if there was no mention of the loss of one of my best friends in life, and one of the “Original Six” members of the inaugural season of the DFFL, Ben Miller.  He truly loved playing in the DFFL (even though he consistently had problems with the home computer that he used to try to make lineup changes on), and it was his idea that I write this parakeet paper in the first place, to shine a dim light on how amusing our game can be, at times.  We consistently skewered Ben and his “Your Name Here” franchise every week in this column, even when, most of the time, he and his team didn’t deserve the blasts.  Ryan, we thank you for picking up the gauntlet that Ben dropped earlier this year and have continued to use his team name as a tribute.  For Ryan, the BAD news is, we’ve been blasting YNH for 11 years in this column, and we just can’t stop now.  Just a friendly warning – Nuthin’ personal, my friend, but this DFFL tradition will live on as you operate YNH from 2018 on.  It’s your team, and it belongs to all of us.  

OK, that’s done.  Let’s get to the meat and potatoes of the DFFL.  So, now that THAT’S out of my system, let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of the moment, tally up the scores, and find out which DFFL team owners / GM’s sang like a beautiful opera singer on “America’s Got Talent,” and which ones sang like Ashlee Simpson at half-time of that old college football bowl game. – It’s time to ask the question we’ve asked since the inaugural 2007 Dunn-Edwards season….

“What Was I THINKING?”

First stop – The Genius Division!  (Don’t worry, we’ll get to that OTHER part, later.)  Now, you’d think that, if we saw no fewer than EIGHT teams score over 100 points in the first week of play, that would translate to some pretty good results when it came to the bench work.  And, you’d be right!  The winner of the Week One Genius Award goes to Mr. MGL, Anthony Pitassi of Mr. Go Lucky.  Anthony’s only mis-step was picking up Antonio Gates off waivers (but wouldn’t start him over Evan Engram. In any case), which cost MGL a whopping 2 points.  We’ll give Anthony 7 good-job points, but minus – ½ point, for not attending the 2018 DFFL draft.  We missed ya, ya big lug!  The silver medal in Genius goes to (GASP!) …What’s this?  Your Name HERE?  Nah, can’t be.  I’ll be right back…. I gotta check this out....

Wow.  I double-checked.  It’s true.  Ben’s old franchise did the deed, with Ryan Francis only losing 4 points to his bench, good for 5 good-job points.  We’ll add an extra point for breaking an 11-year curse of Week One disasters and give YNH 6 points.  The bronze goes to Roberto Abundis, who gets the “Moral Victory Award” (and 3 good-job points) for losing 6 points to the bench but losing by 47 points to the Baltimore Ravens.  No extra bonus points this week, I’m still bitter over Jose Cano dynamiting my team off the FantasyCast On Sunday.  Made my wife happy, Jose.  

OK, here’s how they stand after Week 1 of the 2018 DFFL Genius Division….


1.   Mr. Go Lucky (6.5 points) – Strong start with a 50+ point victory in Week One
2.   Your Name Here (6 points) – Someone go and look to see if the Red Sea is parted
3.   The Killing Fields (3 points) – The Bengals D/ST cost Robert the perfect score

Yet to score – Bolts, Full Tilt Poker (Duh!), Trojans, Burbank Thumpers, Grim Reaper, Mob Squad, Baltimore Ravens, Run / Gun, Norsemen

OK, so, there’s Week One of the Genius division.  Oh, don’t I wish that we could stop right there.  Unfortunately, they didn’t name this column “I’m a Genius, look how good I did!”  No, sorry, we didn’t come here to praise poor Yorik (OK, so I ain’t a Shakespeare fan that can spell, sue me) … We came here to see who just totally flubbed their lineup, thinking they chose wisely, when they should have hired a monkey and a dart board to make their selections…. It’s time to answer the question…


First off, we’re proud to introduce a new scoring system to WWIT. 

If the selections that you’ve made appear to have cost you the game in one way or another, you’ll lose extra points THAT way, as well.  That, and we’re sticking with our minus 7-5-3 system that we’ve had since Brett Favre was a rookie. 

So… Who, you ask, had jumped out of the gate and opened up a small lead in Week One WWIT?  None other than our friend they call the Norsemen, Mr. Rob Mielke.  Rob had himself a day on Sunday, in his match against Jesus Cortez and the Mob Squad.  Let’s begin with this lil’ tidbit – If Jesus would have started Case Keenum instead of Marcus Mariota, the Mob Squad would have won!  (That’ll cost you -1 goofy point, Jesus.) 

Oh, no, we won’t stop here, my friends.  For you see, our Norsemen buddy was in a giving mood, as well.  Rob TRIED to give Jesus the game…He benched Randall Cobb (21 points), who the Bears fans tried to tackle themselves on Sunday night, to no avail.  Then, Rob benched Patrick Mahomes (14 points), who lit up the Chargers at the StubHub Center.  Throw in the Hopkins benching (3 points), and The Norsemen grabbed Week One WWIT Honors by losing a grand total of 38 points to his bench, good for -7 goofy-points, plus another -1 point for dangling that game under Senor Cortez for six hours.  Truly inspiring.

The silver medal in Week One WWIT goes to Alan Sullivan or the Grim Reaper, who lost 35 points to his bench, and lost the Buffalo game against the Ravens on Sunday.  I know how you feel, Alan.  Here’s hoping you never have to face the Chiefs Minus -5 Goof-points for that.  And, to make the Week One WWIT truly a “Family Affair,” the Bronze medal for futility goes to My good Friend Ron Bolton, who lost 28 points to HIS bench last weekend.  (Minus -3 points). 

Let’s give out some extra minus points, here… I already mentioned the Mob Squad’s award… We’re also giving goof-points to Andrew Gillette for blowing HIS game against Run and Gun by leaving 28 points on HIS bench.  That’ll cost him -3 for the 28 points, plus a -1 for the game.  Oh, let’s not forget Grant Herman of the Baltimore Ravens.  When things were going so good for him during the Sunday games, he bragged to me, “Look at me, I’m a LOCK to win the Genius award for this week!”  Uh, WRONG, Mr. Dirty-Bird.  You lost 19 points to YOUR bench.  That’ll cost you a -1 just for bragging.  Some Genius. 

Total carnage on Week One… Here are the full results for WWIT…


1.   Hoarse-Men (-8 points) – Hey, at least the Vikings looked good by beating on Garropolo
2.   Grim Reeker (-5 points) – Found a golden nugget in the Bears’ D/ST
3.   Tragic Trojans (-4 points) – I’ll trade ya Trey Burton for Ebron, At least your TE scored.
4.   Pop-Gun Run (-3 points) – Your BENCH beat my TEAM!  I’m so depressed. (Laugh)
5.   Worst Show on Paper (-1 point) – Let’s all welcome Case Keenum to the Mob Squad!
5.   Dirty Birds (-1 point) – Keep talking, young man!  It’s Full Tilt v. Ravens this week!

Yet to score – Fully-Tilted Poker, (Oh, MY turn is coming, I can feel it), Beautiful Downtown Burbank, Nameless Wonder, Dolts, Dead on the Field, Mr. Not-So-Lucky

Well, that’s all for this week, friends.  When I get the e-mails, I’ll ship it out.  Take care, good luck with the waiver draft, and good luck in next week’s games.  We’ll see you next week!