Thursday, January 19, 2012

Aces Casino Blog: Top 5 (Or Is Is Bottom 5?) Movies In 2011 That Truly Deserve One Of Those "Razzies"


It's a funny thing about working at Aces Casino, A.K.A. "The Second-Happiest Place On Earth" (That place up the 5 freeway with the mouse has title to first place there) -- When you do most of your so-called "work," It's usually on the weekends, which leaves those precious Monday thru Thursday dates wide open.  (Ed. Note: Speak for yourself.  There's a LOT of pre-planning work and itinerary adjustments that need to be done at the Orange County casino party champions during the week.)

So, what to do when the weekdays are winding down?  Why, go to the movies, of course.  That is, after we get our daily paperwork and telephone calls done, of course.  (Ed. Note: Uh-huh.  SURE.)  Fortunately for the team here at Aces Casino, there's a nice, BIG theater called the Regal Theaters 16 right next to our facility.  We can almost WALK to the Regal Theater from here.  So, as you can tell, we go to the movies whenever we can.

OK, OK, we go to the movies a LOT.

It got us to thinking.... We should create our own "movie review blog."  Gee, when you think about it, I think we just DID!  But, you know us here at Aces Casino -- We might be the best Orange County casino night party team in the southland, but when it comes to the cinema, as the saying goes, "The worse the movie is, the better we like it."  Think about it - You secretly LOVE those awful movies, too.  We do.  Heck, do you remember Mystery Science Theater 3000?  Those guys made a LIVING tearing bad movies apart.

That's right, my friends.  Tell me I'm wrong.  When you're stuck watching one of those el-stink-a-dora movies, you start writing and inserting your own dialogue into it.  It's fun, you can admit it.  Hey, we're just gettin' our money's worth.

  Which brings us to this little baby. "The Golden Raspberry."

Yes, the Aces Casino crew has been doin' the movie-thingy for years now.  But, after suffering through a VERY long "losing streak" when it comes to films to avoid, we did a little internet research to find out if there was anyone on the 'net that not only covered bad movies, but CELEBRATED them.  

That little curiosity led us to something called "The Razzies."

There it was, right there on our monitor -- The Razzies, a very knowledgeable and creative group of theater-going men and women that make it their life's quest to shine a bright light on some of the worst films of a given year, or, as they put it, "incinerating cinematic sins for over three decades."  We loved the "Razzies" right away, they were one of us.  Two of our Aces Casino team immediately joined, and are planning to attend this years' 32nd Annual Razzie Awards Ceremony on Saturday, February 25th, 2012. 

I won't go into the history of the Razzies (and it IS extensive), but you can find a link to this incredibly entertaining bunch of people here.  What WE'RE here for is to allow all of our readers a "sneak peek" at OUR Razzies ballot for 2012, specifically, our picks for the worst films of the 2011 season.  Hey, we're entitled.  By our count, we've seen 62 films this year.  And included in some really spectacular movies, we've seen more than our share of total woofers.

So, without further adieu, here is the official Aces Casino Top 5 worst movies of 2011 in reverse order, brought to you by the best Orange County casino party team (and part-time movie critics) in SoCal....

#5 -- "Battle -- Los Angeles"

I remember we were all pumped to see this film when the trailers came out, and then, we finally got our chance to see it.  Ugh.  When you start rooting for the aliens to blow up all of these "heroes," you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel.  I love great special effects as much as anyone, but the special effects crew attached to this film couldn't save it.  We thought this film would challenge for the top spot on our list, until we saw some of the others. 

#4 --  "Alvin & The Chipmunks - Chipwrecked"

I hated these lil' screechers back in the 60's, and my opinion hasn't changed.  50 years doesn't dull the senses, people.  I don't get it.  The music's awful, the "story's" so incredibly lame (an active volcano?  And why the pelican costume?), and those VOICES.  My ears are still ringing.  WHY did I DO this to myself?  Oh, NOW I remember -- I was leaving another film, one that'll show up later on this list.  Must've already had enough ammo to skewer THAT film.

 Please don't vote THEM off the island.

#3 --  "Zookeeper"

You know, I have one rule when it comes to films -- I have to believe that what I'm seeing on the screen is actually possible.  I had no problems with Independence Day, I thought It's possible that an ape as big as Kong is sitting on some deserted island right this second, and I always suspected that the wax mannequins at museums DID really move around and talk.  But Kevin James getting with Rosario DAWSON?  They're a COUPLE??  Come on, that's just not possible.  It's just like me and Scarlett Johansson getting together.  Ain't gonna happen.  Ya lost me right then and there, Zookeeper.  And a bunch of talking animals that must have gone to the "Mr. Ed School of Talking Animals" isn't going to help out this dinosaur-sized egg.  AWFUL picture.

#2 -- "Transformers - Dark Of The Moon"

I'm sorry, I just can't take any more crap from these talking trucks and cars.  That, and you didn't bring back Megan Fox.  What's up with that?  Who was that goofy blonde that took her place?  Let me guess, she "knows somebody" at the studio.... What a horrible actress.  If I was the United States, I'd start thinking that Optimus Prime and his band of characters are just milking us for attention and don't really need to find their "robo-trinkets," after all.  I'm starting to suspect that Optimus and the Decepticons are in cahoots, and they're just using Earth as their very own paintball stadium.  No more of these movies, please.

#1 -- "Jack & Jill"

Holy crap on a cracker, THIS McBarker's a RUNAWAY winner from the Aces Casino crew. If we all make a New Years' resolution right now that we'll refuse to buy any more tickets to an Adam Sandler film, we may stop these films from being made, or at least force Sandler and Dennis Dugan to actually use a SCRIPT next time.  Sandler's "yes men" need to stop telling the big dufus that poop and fart jokes aren't funny after the first 30 seconds.  Seriously.  Sandler as himself AND playing his sister?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  But, thinking that he's gotta break his bad film streak any time now, we went to see it.  BIG mistake. 

Our 2011 Razzie ballot will have this inane piece of celluloid at the top of our "please incinerate this film ASAP" list.  And PLEASE stop giving Adam Sandler MONEY to MAKE these films.  I know he's got his own studio and can make anything he wants, but come ON.  You can do better.  Hey, Dan Patrick has a pipeline to Sandler, Adam uses him in all of his films.  DAN!  TELL HIM!  Don't be a "yes man."  I know you like being able to tell people you're in movies.  You do a good job in his films,  but the films are just AW-FUL.  They're not really movies.  They don't count.  Do the right thing next time, Dan.  Just say "No."

(Ed. Note: In the interest of fairness, there are two films from 2011 that the Aces Casino crew did NOT see, but definitely would have made the Bottom 5 if they HAD been seen - "Bucky Larson - Born To Be A Star," and "Twilight - Breaking Dawn, Part 1."  Aces Casino doesn't do Sandler's lackeys or boring vampire / werewolf pix.  There goes the reviewer's job.)

Well, that's all from the Orange County casino night leaders - turned movie critics.  Next week, we'll aim our blog-guns at another of the golden families of TV - We'll finally chronicle our visit to Calabasas and what happened when you combine the Aces Casino party crew with the Kardashian family.  That's coming out next Monday.

We'll see you next week, have a good weekend, and if you're looking for someone to help you with your next casino night party,. give the Orange County casino party leader, Aces Casino, a call.

Oh, and check out the Razzies.  Especially YOU, Sandler. 

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