This is all TMZ's fault. We know it here at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party leader, and THEY know it. Why? BECAUSE. They're TMZ, It's Harvey Levin's Video "gossip machine." When it comes to re-hashing dopey "B-List celebs (and "Celebs" SHOULD be in quotes, also), It's like Pacino's old line from 'The Godfather, Part Three...:' (and, no, Al, you're NEVER going to be a 'B-Lister'.)
"Just when I thought I was out, they PULL ME BACK IN."
So true. Just when you thought that a certain celebrity was going to FINALLY go away, someone like TMZ or some other gossip vid-mag dredges them back up and posts their puss on the internet for all to see. And you know what?
WE LOVE IT.
Right up front, we admit it. Here at the top orange county casino night company in SoCal: We LOVE this dreck - Or is it we love to HATE this dreck? Well, either way, until someone comes up with an anti-dreck filter, this "pseudo-journalism" is thankfully here to stay.
Oh, and, for the record, we love Lizard Lick Towing, Operation Repo (Did you know this group made their own MOVIE? And Joey Buttafuoco is in it? Remember THAT guy? I kid you not. Look it up.) , and Storage Wars, too. Yes, friends, it's true: Aces Casino must have WAY too much DVR-usable time on it's hands.
HOWEVER...... There are also times when "too much of a good thing" is bad for you. You know what we mean... Too much time playing video games, playing poker for 36 hours straight (did I say that? Around here, that statement might violate our in-house "dishonor code"), staying up all night watching "Three Stooges" marathons (well, maybe not THAT one, I'm a member of THAT web site).
Sometimes, you just get too much of something or someone, and when THAT happens, it's time to act, my friends. ESPECIALLY when it comes to what we like to define as "Professional Celebrities" -- People that are basically famous for being famous. When you look in the dictionary under the term, "Professional Celebrity," Brooke Shields' picture comes up. You know the deal.
So, here at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party kingpins, It's time to pull over the most serious offenders of the "TMZ-set," the "celebs" that are seriously over-exposed, and qualify for the latest addition to the Aces Casino "useless fact file," submitted for your approval in reverse order....
The Top 5 People In The News That We Wish Would Just Go AWAY.
#5 -- Ted Williams
Falling from the infamous "#1 spot" is our golden-throat homeless guy from Ohio, Ted Williams. That's right, he was the man that burst onto the scene with a "bang" when he was spotted by a Cleveland, Ohio news crew, panhandling with a sign declaring his "Goid-Given Gift" of incredible pipes.
Yeah, he sounded fantastic - For the first 48 hours.
Then, unfortunately, as many people in the know were predicting, the feel-good story turned to the "Nightmare On Dr. Phil Street," when the world at large were exposed (dare I say, OVER-exposed) to this man's current drug and alcohol problems of today, combined with us ALSO being brought up-to-date on what his PAST entailed. Holy SMOKES -- Multiple children, non-payment of child support, "a bottle of Grey Goose every night," family skirmishes at posh Southern California hotels.....The list goes on and on.
As we've said before, we hope for the best for Ted, but expect the worst, and in our not-so-humble opinion, it's going to end up being a train wreck-media circus, which is just the reward for the media-types that created this monster. "You KNOW you LOVE it."
#4 -- Lady Gaga
OK, right up front...What's the vote? Chick, or dude? I've been on the fence for 16 months, now, when it comes to that on-going survey.
Taking a page or two out of the Liberace playbook, this talentless media whore has been parading around ion the most outlandish costumes the music world has ever seen, and combined the look with a singing style that reminds me of my Aunt Nonie, who smoked about five packs of Camels a day, and sounded like a longshoreman when she spoke.
He/She is the poster child for "people that should just try to entertain us, and quit telling us what she likes and dislikes. Hey, "Lady" -- Keep the machine running as long as you can. Courtney Love called, and she's going to want her throne back. You aren't the Queen of the Bizarre -- SHE is.
#3 -- Justin Bieber
If there's ANYONE that has ridden the media circus wagon more than THIS kid, I can't find them. He's only #3 because he's one of those "creations of the music industry," a kid that has already wrote a book (Even though I'm guessing he's never READ one), made a MOVIE about his life called "Never Say Never," and has appeared on the usual suspects when it comes to media appearances.
This one falls on the parents. WHAT, you say they're DIVORCED? I'm SHOCKED. REALLY? Wow, I don't know about YOU, but isn't THAT a surprise?
Mom travels with the lil' snipe, and is probably the one that takes a towel, puts it on the kids head, and spins him around for what looks like three revolutions, to get his hair to look like that. People, when the hairstyle changes, maybe THEN, you'll wake up. I hate it when media types ask this kid about life experiences. LIFE EXPERIENCES? He's just turned 18. Take this kid away, please. When the music stops on THIS one, the crash will be LOUD, just like....
#2 -- Lindsey Lohan
OK, what's up with this? WHY are people so enamored with this woman? It CAN'T be "Herbie Fully Loaded," CAN it? Or Ugly Betty? Or "Freaky Friday?" When they gave that 2010 Love-Bug movie it's title, did they call it that to pay homage to this drug-crazed Kleptomaniac? She LOOKS like she's "Fully Loaded," every time she appears in court for whatever the charges are THIS time. Borrr-Ing.
Seriously, TMZ...WHY follow this woman? We don't need to see that judge givin' her the business and lecturing her - AGAIN. We've got Judge Judy for THAT, and she's MUCH more fun to watch than this Lohan chick. Nope, had enough of Lindsey, and also have seen enough of the Dad, Michael, too. PLEASE, people. No more Lohan.
#1 -- (Was there any doubt?) Charlie Sheen
Just when you thought Lohan had the #1 spot locked up, here comes THIS guy. OK, now, If I remember correctly, this is the guy from movies like "Major League," Wall Street," and, uhh, are there any others? Oh, yeah, I forgot - He moved quickly to "Two And A Half Men", a pretty popular TV show. At least, it WAS, until CBS-TV pulled the el-plug-o.
Hmm...Let's see....Maybe any and all of THESE might be the reason...
January 1990: While in their home, Sheen accidentally shoots fiance Kelly Preston in the arm. The relationship ends.
September 1990: Sheen completes drug rehab a month after checking himself in.
July 1995: Sheen testifies in the tax evasion trial of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, admitting he spent almost $53,000 on her prostitutes.
December 1996: Sheen is arrested for allegedly beating porn star girlfriend Brittany Ashland, who claimed he slammed her into the marble floor of his home and threatened to kill her if she told anyone.
June 1997: Sheen pleads no-contest to the Ashland charges and is sentenced to a one-year suspended prison term and two years of probation.
May 1998: Sheen is hospitalized after a cocaine overdose. Father Martin Sheen turns him over to authorities for violating his probation. Sheen later checks himself into Promises rehab center.
March 2005: Denise Richards, Sheen's second wife, files for divorce while pregnant with the couple's second daughter. She says Sheen had been abusing drugs and alcohol.
March 2005: Porn star and escort Chloe Jones tells the National Enquirer Sheen was among her clients and had paid her $15,000 for oral sex. Sheen's agent disputes the claim. Now THERE'S a guy with a tough job. (I heard he quit.)
April 2006: In order to obtain a restraining order, Richards signs a declaration stating that in the middle of an argument on Dec. 30, 2005, Charlie pushed and shoved her while she was holding their daughter Lola. According to the declaration, Charlie pointed his finger at her and screamed, "I hope you f---ing die, b----." (THAT'S nice.)
March, 2008: Jason Itzler claims he sent Ashley Dupre (the same Dupre who later had a relationship with Eliot Spitzer) and another girl to have a threesome with Sheen for $20,000. Sheen's reps deny the report.
December 2009: Sheen is arrested in Aspen, Colo., on domestic violence charges after an alleged altercation with third wife Brooke Mueller, the mother of his twins.
February 2010: Sheen's Mercedes is stolen and found upside-down at the bottom of a cliff near Mulholland Drive. Police say they do not believe Sheen was in the car because he would have been injured in the accident.
February 2010: Sheen is charged with felony menacing and misdemeanor third-degree assault and criminal mischief in connection with the Aspen arrest. He pleads not guilty in March.
February 2010: Sheen announces he's voluntarily checking into rehab and takes time off from Two and a Half Men. In May, he signs a two-year deal that will pay him $1.8 million per episode.
August 2010: Sheen pleads guilty to the Aspen charges and is sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 30 days of probation and 36 hours of anger management.
October 2010: Sheen is reportedly removed from The Plaza Hotel in New York City after causing a disturbance, and allegedly doing $7,000 worth of damage to the room. Richards, who was also staying at the hotel, separately from Sheen, accompanies him to the hospital. His rep says Sheen had an "allergic reaction" to medicine.
November 2010: Capri Anderson, an adult film star who was with Sheen at The Plaza, sues him, claiming he choked her. Sheen countersues Anderson, claiming she tried to extort him. Sheen is not prosecuted for the incident at The Plaza Hotel.
January 2011: Sheen goes on a reported bender in Las Vegas - where he allegedly parties with a group of women that includes porn stars, strippers, and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee - but returns in time for work on Two and a Half Men.
January 2011: Sheen is rushed to the hospital for severe abdominal pains that a friend of Sheen says came from the actor laughing too hard at the TV. Shortly after, Sheen begins a rehabilitation program in his home. Two and a Half Men goes on production hiatus.
February 2011: Sheen begins a rant about Two and a Half Men creator and executive producer Chuck Lorre on The Dan Patrick Show, where he blames the producers for delaying the return of the show. Lorre responds with a vanity card reading, "If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed." Sheen's ensuing rants (challenging Lorre to a fight, and saying he owns him) and behavior force CBS and Warner Bros. TV to shut down production for the rest of the season. Sheen responds by saying he would return to the series for Season 9 if Lorre is not involved. (Yeah, good luck with that.)
OK, bottom line: He's just a bad guy. He's got to go. But, if you believe Aces Casino, SoCal's top orange county casino night party company, well, "he ain't goin' ANYWHERE." The media's eating this guy up, and with all of these impromptu radio and TV appearances, he'll be on the screen and on your radio for quite some time, spewing more of his inner vitriol.
Sorry, Lindsey. Hey -- Link up with Bieber and create some bizarre tryst, and maybe you'll get back your number one spot and drag ol' swirly-hair along with you.
Oooh. Forgot. Selena Gomez. AND Charlie Sheen. Nope, that's not gonna beat HIS act.
(Ed. Note: We had a picture of Bieber up on our Blog for this article, but his mom took it away, and wanted money from us to post it. Yeah, THAT'S happening. Case closed.)