Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Top Five Random Thoughts From Aces Casino's "Department Of Useless Information"



Aces Casino Entertainment has always considered itself as "being on top of things" when it comes to three important categories: The NFL, current events, and useless information.   Which pretty much covers just about anything, but we never let the facts get in the way of a good story.)

It came to our attention here at the Orange County casino party leader that there just seemed to be a lot of, shall we say, "tasty and interesting news snippets" floating around out there in the internet news world that we here at Aces Casino would like to yak about.

Some of these "news flashes" are stories that you may have heard of already, and some others may have escaped your glance.  With that in mind, Aces Casino, the Southland's top Orange County casino party company, proudly brings you issue #1 of the "Aces Casino top five thoughts from the Department of Useless Information."

Here are some of our favorite headlines that caught our eye...

1.  "Egyptian Cobra feared missing from Bronx Zoo."  --- I love the by-line on this ... "Officials have closed the Reptile house until further notice."  Gee, we're guessing that closing the door to the house MIGHT just help keep the snakes inside.  And now, we hear that "Butti" the Turtle is also among the missing.  I hope the New York State prison system doesn't run like the Bronx Zoo.  Someone's gonna find this snake fairly soon.  Hope it ain't the turtle.
"Turtle?  WHAT Turtle?  Haven't seen him."

They say the venom from this snake can kill an elephant in three hours.   Guess Rosie O'Donnell would have enough time to walk from the zoo to the hospital after getting bitten.  On second thought, that snake had better run, if it sees her.  She looks hungry. (Snakes RUN?)

2.  "Coming to a casino near you - The new 'Judge Judy' slot machine?" --- Can you imagine playing some slot machine in Vegas that berates you every time you lose, then calls you by name and tells you, "case dismissed, get out of my casino, that's all?"  I gotta be thinkin' this might be a bad idea, Shuffle-Master.
"I find for the casino in the amount of $20 in quarters."

I'm not playing a machine that has me settle up with the balliff after I'm through.  Carrot-Top is already located in Vegas and waiting for the chance to annoy me.  I don't need that pint-sized small-claims court fireball to "up my annoyance ante."  She went into the hospital recently for "nausea and intestinal distress?"  Makes two of us, Scheindlein. Best wishes to get well soon, Judgeie-wudgie, but please stay off of those slot machines. I couldn't take it.

3.  "Cinderella, Snow White Busted in Drug-Smuggling Ring."  --- And, in a related story, sales of coloring books in New Jersey have spiked for the first time in recent memory.  Depends on what your definition of "art" is, I suppose.  If it's in the eye of the beholder, there are a few inmates that be-holdin' some "tasty" art.


4.  "Sexy Video Game Ad TOO Sexy for TV?" --- You make the call.  And then find my tennis racket.  And my video game console.  And lock the door.  And go get my bootleg copy of "Suckerpunch."

Whoa.  Tennis, Anyone?

5.  "600-Pound Bronze Moose Stolen." --- I think the San Diego Chargers have just found their new Right Tackle.

That's all for now, my twisted brethren.  Thanks for checking into the Aces Casino Blog.  Our Orange County casino night party team will be off all this weekend, so we decided to post our Friday blog today.  (Either that, or our calendar's in need of replacing.)  See you next Monday, and for those Aces Casino clients that have events with us this Friday or Saturday, we'll see you then!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Here Are The Four Words We NEVER Want To Hear -- "I've Got This System..."


Picture another typical Orange County casino party hosted by Aces Casino -- It's the weekend, time for another huge fundraiser in South Orange County.  Hosting this particular evening is Children's Hospital of Orange County (CHOC), one of the top organizations in the southern California area when it's time to raise funds for one of the many needy charities that they support.

The high-octane din of a fully entertained crowd here to take in this special event is matched by the clicking of fake casino chips in the background.  Everybody's having a wonderful time, especially the staff here at Aces Casino.... We love seeing another one of the many organizations that we serve on a yearly basis fulfilling their fundraising needs with a spectacular Orange County casino night.

Then, just like casino clockwork, IT happens.  AGAIN.  Just like it does at virtually EVERY Orange County casino night we put on for our clients.

While standing at the Roulette table and discussing the current plight of our totally destroyed NCAA College Basketball Tourney brackets with one of our top Roulette dealers, a well-dressed man walks up to the table and says it.

"Hi, guys!  I'm here to play some Roulette, and I'm here on a mission.  You see, I've got this system that I've been working on in order to prove that this game is mathematically beatable...."

"Stop right there, my friend,"  I tell the well-dressed gentleman.  "Such a system does not exist, but you're more than welcome to try it out.  This is the perfect way to test ANY system that a gaming enthusiast comes up with, to give it a true test without actually wagering any real money."  (I wish I had $5 for every time I've repeated that dopey phrase at an Aces Casino event.  I'd be sipping Pina Coladas on that private island that Disney bought for their luxury cruise lines that frequently visit the Bahamas, and taking in the sights.  Sip-=Sip.)

Undaunted, the Well-dressed event attendee plunks down two $100-fake-chips, and receives his fake Roulette chip change.  He's ready to test his 'system.'  "OK, here goes," he tells us, and he begins to place chips in certain spots on the board.

"I'll tell you what," I say to him.  (His name was Kevin.)  "Kevin, you currently have 40 red-striped chips in front of you.  If you can last 20 minutes at this table betting your system withour fail, and still have ANY of the $200 in chips you started with, I'll make a $50 donation to the OCSD's charity that benefits from tonight's fundraiser.  But, if you were to LOSE your initial stake before the 20 minutes expires, YOU can make a donation of any size you wish to the same charity.  You game?"

He was.  Game on.

And, 13 minutes later, Kevin was off to the registration table, in order to make the agreed-upon charitable donation to CHOC Hospital of Orange County.  (He actually couldn't lose.  I made my donation later, anyway.  I always do, but, I digress.)

That's when Scott Percifield, the Roulette dealer for the OCSD event, turned to me and said, "there goes another system player.  How many in a row is that?"

"I dunno, but better for Kevin to find out at our fake game table that his system may be a bit flawed, than to test it out on the REAL ones in Las Vegas, my friend," I respond.  "And, it's also good for CHOC Hospital."

And herein lies the tale, my friends.  You wouldn't BELIEVE how many times we run into the dreaded "system players" at our event; players that feel they've properly tested their lil' system online, and wish to try it it a pseudo-realistic casino environment for the first time to give it the true acid-test it deserves. And, what better place to try this system out than our very own Orange County casino party venue? 

We've been lucky enough to keep an un-scientific chart at our Aces Casino offices as to just how many times we've run into system players at our tables over the last 17+ years.  Our loosely-based count sits at 1105 players that have tested "systems" as we write this drivel.  Our record vs. these "system players?"

1096 wins, and NINE losses.

And, of those nine losses, six of them should be thrown out of the model.

-- Two Blackjack card-counting teams were found to be cheating, by passing cards to each other during their 20-minute test;

-- One Roulette gal bet her entire wad on red for the last spin of the test, deviating from her 'system;'

-- One Pai-Gow Poker player borrowed chips from another player during his testing;

-- And not one, but TWO Craps system players stopped their test with more than five minutes remaining, when they were up by $5 or less.

So, THREE winners in over 1100 tests.  Now we know why the Vegas hotels are so tall.

Bruce Willis was trying a "system" during one of our biggest private parties aboard the Queen Mary at this Hollywood "Wrap" Party.  The Blackjack table he was playing at ended up being thrown over the side.  He's one of the 1,096. 

Seems like EVERYONE has a system.  Just not a good one.  So, we here at Aces Casino have decided to take the initiative, and try to debunk the three biggest wastes of time when it comes to "systems" that players try at our full-sized, beautiful casino tables. Hey, we LOVE systems.  just not THESE three, in reverse order, that seem to pop up more than the rest...

#3 -- Craps Field Bets - 7 Winners, And Only 4 Losers

This play at the Craps table is the one we like to call, "The Used Car Lot of Craps."   Boy, if those "field bets" at the Craps tables don't look like a sweet deal....  You mean, I get ALL of those numbers in the field?  2-3-4-9-10-11-12?  SEVEN numbers, and there are only FOUR numbers (5, 6, 7, and 8) that are losers?

It's just so easy to understand... Even the novice Craps player can understand this bet, one we like to call a "one-roll proposition."  That means, on the very next roll of the dice, we'll have the winner (or the loser) when it comes to the Field bet.  If one of the previously mentioned numbers showing in the Field box is rolled, you're a winner.  (If 2 or 12 is rolled, the Field bet pays double.)  If 5-6-7-or 8 comes up, the Field bet loses.

Yep...Unfortunately, we're talking about a used-car lot that uses dice when it comes to the Field bet.  On a used-car lot, you can ask to see the "CarFax."  We suggest that when you consider making a Field bet, that you first check out the "CrapsFax."  If you HAD, you'd find out one very interesting fact about the Field bet: Every time you place a Field bet on a Craps table, the house edge against the player is a whopping 5.59%.

Compare that with the traditional basic Craps system that suggests that you play the pass line and take full odds on any point number created to try to get the best of it (only a 1.12% house edge), and you can see why we like to compare the Field bet in Craps to watching The "Teletubbies" on TV; Just because it's easy to understand doesn't mean it's any good.

Yeah, I'm the character that says turn it off.

Sorry, Tinky-Winky.  We suggest you steer clear of the Field bet (AND The Teletubbies).  Either way you look at it, there are better places to put your money, like odds bets and "Transformers."  (Ya gotta admit, Transformers are cool.)

#2 -- "9 straight Black numbers - The next one HAS to be RED!"

We see this one all the time at Aces Casino.  The number of consecutive spins may be different, but the flawed theory remains the same.  "Wow, ANOTHER black number.  That's NINE in a ROW.  A red number is due!  Bet it all on Red!"

 "Soitenly, the next one's GOTTA be RED!"

Whap.  Black 15.  10-in-a-row.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, my casino party friends, but the Roulette wheel and the ball that falls into a slot in the wheel have no idea that they've now landed on 10 straight black numbers.  The odds of a red number coming up on a traditional 38-spot Roulette wheel don't change because of the previous 10 spins.  The odds are just like always.  18/38.

Forget Faux-Casino Parties.   We've seen people in LAS VEGAS betting this same way, thinking the other color is "due."  Why else do you think the casinos added those "Roulette previous spins" tote boards, that show the last X-number of results?  They did it to bring in those "system players" that think the other color is "due."  Nothin' is due but the rent, my friends.  18-out-of-38.  Same odds, spin after spin.  Don't be fooled.

#1 -- The Dreaded "Martingale" System

This one is the all-time champion of flawed systems.  Time after time, we'll see players try this.  Simply put, the Martingale System states that, should you lose your original bet, just double up the next time.  lose again? double up again.  You're DUE to win one eventually, and that way, you'll break even+ one bet when you DO win.

Flaws are all OVER this "system."

The biggest flaw when it comes to the Martingale is when the losses mount so much that you've hit the maximum bet amount at the table.  You can't continue the double-up system.  The bets are over the maximum.  THEN what?  Uhhh, BOOM, is what.

THESE guys were Martingale system players.

I know, it sounds like you'd NEVER hit the maximum table limit on a regulation casino Blackjack table.  You can...either that, or you're going to be faced with seven losses in a row at a $20 table, and will need to bet a whopping $1280 on your next hand of Blackjack just to try to get EVEN.  Try and place a $1000 + bet on a Blackjack table, my friends.  It'll give your knees the shakin' of their lives.  oh, and lose THAT hand, and your next bet is over $2500.  Pass-a-dena on the Martingale, my friends.  It sounds good, but it's a killer.

(Whew) Well, that's all for the top 3 flawed betting systems....

Not convinced yet?  Hey... Just come on down to the next Orange County casino party that Aces Casino is hosting in your area, and give that Martingale system another try.  We can use another 'statistic' on our dry-erase board.  Care to make it 1,097?

Friday, March 25, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Would Someone PLEASE Inform the Media that These 3 People are NOT Stars


It should go without saying that when you work for Aces Casino, the Orange County Casino Party leader, you have to understand that, from time to time, you're going to see an opportunity to cross paths with a celebrity or two at certain Aces-based "tinseltown" events.  Problem is, we HAVE to say it; otherwise, we have no info for our blog.  That just wouldn't be right, now, would it?


Aces Casino has been in the Las Vegas Night casino party business since 1994, and over that time, we have seen more than our share of celebrity-driven events.  And, if you were to ask some of the many crazies that frequent the roster of the employed here at Aces Casino, you'll quickly learn that the events that have the "celebs" involved in one way or another ALWAYS seem to, shall we say, "stand out in a crowd." 

Translation:  Something crazy ALWAYS happens at a celebrity-driven event.

With that in mind, and since we've seen our share of celebs over the years, we thought it might be time to play "celebrity police," and pull over a few people that the print and video-driven media outlets might THINK are celebrities, but are, unfortunately for them, are either not worthy of the paparazzi that follows them, are simply not interesting, or just a plain ol' train wreck in the making.

So, with that in mind, here are three such sad cases from the Aces Casino "Not A Celebrity" file, listed in reverse order, with the hope that the media will just leave these three alone, for OUR sake...

3. -- Nadya Suleman (Octo-Mom) 

Nadya came to the forefront of the "People Magazine" crowd when she willingly instructed an invitro-fertilization clinic to artificially inseminate her reproduction tract with EIGHT, count 'em, EIGHT live sperm samples.  Needless to say, giving birth to eight children WAS news, but it seemed that the more we found out about Suleman and her situation, the uglier the story grew.  From reality shows gone wrong to selling her possessions at a garage sale, this one qualifies for "train wreck-to-be."

Unfortunately, from this angle, we suppose that this woman will ALWAYS be "news," because of her situation.  But, we don't have to like it.  This story seemed to die down a bit after some natural passage of time, but it's still news where we're concerned.  (Ed. note: Suleman lives approximately two miles from the Aces Casino Whittier, CA headquarters, and every time she holds a PC or a garage sale, the Aces team feels it..)  It's just so incredibly sad that this woman did this for MONEY, for plastic surgery, among other things.

Memo to the media: It looks like you've finally caught on to this woman's schtick, and have stopped jumping to attention every time Suleman farts.  Just leave her alone, and don't make people that break the morality laws up front, then BEG for assistance by playing the "poor, pitiful ME" card famous.  She created this "Frankenstein's Monster."  Let her, and anyone else that pulls something like this, FEND for HERSELF.  Yes, it's sad.  No doubt.  But we MUST put our children first, not use them as media attractions.  Rant over.

Yeah, you didn't have any work done.  Disgraceful.


2. -- Ted Williams 

Everyone remembers hearing about Ted Williams, the homeless man from Ohio that burst onto the scene when his YouTube video that showcased his "golden Throat" went viral earlier this year.  Boy, did the media and the public eat THIS guy up. Voice-over jobs from the Cleveland Cavaliers and Kraft Foods, media interviews,  he was once on the mean streets, and now, he's gonna MAKE it!  Everyone LOVED the Ted Williams story.

Well, ALMOST everyone.

The Aces Casino crew sat around in the offices just "shootin' the breeze" earlier this year when the subject of Ted Williams came up.  Immediately, the response was, "yeah, the story SOUNDS great, but wait until the media, who's currently building this guy up, decides to turn on him, and tear him apart."  Yep, when you're homeless, you're homeless for a reason.

Or, should we say, REASONS.  Alcohol and drug addictions, unpaid child support, subsequent exploitation by the media machines like "Dr. Phil," and the list goes on and on. 

Holy smokes.  Tim Conway, Jr., who hosts a night-time radio show on KFI-AM 640 in Los Angeles, called this one from the beginning, way before WE did.  He saw this train wreck coming from a mile away.  Yep, Tim, you were right.  This guy was going to be a disaster.  Sure, we all do wish him well, but this is another lesson that seems to be hard-to-learn -- Sometimes, you CAN judge a book by it's cover.  I loved it when Tim's Friday co-host, Doug Steckler, who is a radio comedy gem, came out with the perfect nickname for the Media's latest darling: Ted Williams, "Fool's-Golden-Throat."  Bulls-eye, Doug.

"You KNOW you LOVE it."

Memo to the media:  Leave this guy alone, please.  More media attention for Ted means more media attention for that dysfunctional family of his that keeps coming around for their rightful share of the golden goose, not to mention that "girlfriend" of his that was his crack-buddy on the street.  Gee, Dr. Phil.  Thanks for exposing HER face to us.  I'm sure there are more characters waiting to take the stage and help Ted continue to write this one-act-play called, "This Is Your Life," so, please, media machine.  Drop this hot potato, before it's too late.  Our Orange County casino night reputation BEGS you to....

1. -- Mike Sorrentino ("The Situation")

The minute that the Aces Casino team took a break from being the Orange County Casino Party kingpin, we turned on the television at our main office and took in our first views of something called, "Jersey Shore."  It was an INSTANT hit with us, because we LOVE "TV Train Wrecks."  I mean, with Characters like Snooki and that D.J., Pauly D., who owns his OWN tanning bed, to keep up that artificial tan?  What's not to like?

But, with our a doubt, the fave around the Aces Casino offices was "The Situation,"  A guy named Mike Sorrentino.  This miniature goofball with the six-pack was just too much.  Instant hit, I tell ya.  He's a walking New Jersey caricature.  Gotta love it...

Then, like a gift from the heavens, MTV gets Sorrentino a gig on, of ALL things, a celebrity roast held in honor of Donald Trump, and asks HIM if he'd like to do STAND-UP COMEDY for the roast as a toast-master.  Oh, Mike, PLEEEEASE say 'yes.'

He did.

Oh-My-GAWD.  This couldn't have gone any better.  This pint-sized dope with the inflated attitude thought he could do anything, if he put his mind to it.  Problem is, there ain't much "mind" there.  He gets up in front of The Donald, the guest roasters, the assembled audience, and thousands watching on cable TV, and proceeds to take the biggest digger in the HISTORY of TV comedy blunders.

His 'monologue,' short as it was, was still filled with all kinds of goodies: stupid, stale jokes abounded; a racial slur aimed right at Snoop-Dogg, when he fired off a blast that suggested that The Donald and the Dogg had something in common - Donald has owned property, and Dogg's ancestors WERE property; and our favorite, when things got so bad, and the crowd started booing him, he fired off this "Fonzie" impression, and just started going, "AAAAYYYYYY," like that would help him.  Oh, I'm here to tell you, it was DELICIOUS.  Couldn't have gone better.  You talk about this goof getting HIMSELF into a situation... (grin) This guy jumped the shark in record-time.

"Aaaayyyyyyy....." Thank you so much, Fonzie.

Hey, Fonzie -- Arnold's is closed, and fortunately for us, so is your stand-up career.  "Happy Days" are here again, "Mr. Situation."  Memo to the media: Please don't get off of THIS dead horse too fast.  I'm smellin' a spin-off.  Please.  We'll watch, We promise.  (Ed. Note: Sorrentino has actually written a book entitled, "Here's The Situation."  We said WROTE one, not READ one.  The book is about dating in Jersey, fashion, and fist-pumping.  We kid you not.)

That's all for now.... Next week, we'll chronicle our visit to Calabasas, and the subsequent visit to the Kardashian's "Dash" clothing store, as well as a take or two regarding another new casino game making it's appearance at Aces Casino, the Orange County casino night giant.  Check us out every Monday and Friday  -- We hope you enjoy it!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Calabasas Next for the Aces Team; Hey, Wait, Isn't That Kardashian Country?


Anyone that knows the delivery boundaries of Aces Casino, the Orange County casino party leaders in SoCal (Bakersfield to San Diego, and BEYOND, believe me), knows that we'll go anywhere.

ANYWHERE.

And, just to prove that point, it should probably be mentioned that that same Aces Casino party team will be taking their Orange County casino night crazies to Woodland Hills tonight for a special surprise birthday party.   I can hear the loading team on the platform discussing the event as we write this lil' ditty, and what they're currently yakking abvout caught my ear...

"Hey, isn't Woodland Hills right next to Calabasas?"

Which, upon hearing THAT excited utterance, as the attorneys like to say, I abruptly ceased writing this Non-Pulitzer-Prize-Winning prose, and put the ultimate "86" to what these two delivery guys were thinking of doing --

They were thinking "Kardashian Road Trip," without a doubt.

Those that frequent the Aces Casino Blog drivel know that we have taken, shall we say, a few "liberties" when it comes to torching Team Kardashian and their clothing outlet called 'Dash,' simply because, as we think back to all of their years of the cable-TV show that has made them "famous," they're an interesting target.  I mean, who HASN'T turned off the set after watching their TV show and muttered under their breath, "Holy SMOKES, I'm sure thankful that isn't MY family!"

Yeah, maybe...But....

It's the Kardashians.  We GOTTA go.

See?  We GOTTA go!

So, you heard it here first, my casino party friends.  We're leaving earlier than normal for tonight's surprise birthday party, and going to see "Dash" for ourselves.  We usually blog about Aces Casino on Monday and Friday, so check back with us later in the week, and we'll spill all of the blow-by-blow highlights of what happens when the Orange County casino night leaders met up with the nation's most qualified professional celebrities in the great (?) city of Calabasas.

I have a feeling today's going to be a LONG day..... (grin)

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Top 3 "Gee Whiz" Topics That Drive Us CRAZY (Believe Me, It's a Short Drive)


The best news about being part of the team here at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party kingpins, HAS to be all of the fun things we get to do on a regular basis.  Someone actually nicknamed the company, "Pixar South," a tribute to the Disney's movie-making innovators up in Silicon Valley.  Anyone that has read about the camaraderie amongst the crew over at Pixar knows the deal over there, and they were the model for Aces Casino.

Yes, without question, Pixar IS a very special, unique place, but Aces Casino DOES have at least ONE thing in common with the Disney Animation Giant: New ideas, thoughts and opinions from our great crew are always welcome.  (That's how we became the top orange county casino night party company in the first place, but don't tell anyone.)  Whoops: looks like our secret is out, but enough of the shameless plugs.... (Not.)

So, when a request for suggestions on what might be a great off-beat topic for this week's Aces Casino Blog was requested, the "suggestion box" was chock-FULL of ideas; some interesting, some thought-provoking, and one that was just so out-there, we HAD to go with it.

It said, "Would you please settle a bet for us?  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

A GREAT question.  The decision was made, right there and then: This week's goofy Aces Casino Blog would be about the 3 biggest "Gee-Whiz" questions, things that make you go, Hmmm... -- Time to find out the answers to some age-old questions.  So, we'll start with the Aces Casino Blog winning suggestion.....

1. -- "Which Came First - The Chicken, Or The Egg?"

"Move over.  I was here FIRST."

I have to admit -- THIS one has always had ME "Flummoxed."  (Let's see how the Microsoft 'spelling wizard' handles THAT word.)  And, sure enough, after about two minutes of Google-informed research, we thought we had the answer.  Researchers in Britain had proclaimed this long-bantered-about conundrum solved.

It was the chicken.

UNTIL.... (Laugh)

You KNEW it had to happen.  Some of those same British researchers started wondering about how pre-historic eggshells were formed back when I was in high school.... Something about protein, it's subsequent crystallization, how the shell is actually formed in the first place... I'm sure YOUR eyes were glazing over just READING this stuff.  Mine sure did; it was like biology class, all over again. 

Bottom line?  Well, it appears that when it comes to the chicken or the egg coming in first, the "Inquiry" sign is still up on the tote board.  Please hold all tickets.  Those goofs in England have no idea which came first.  They can give an educated GUESS, but these are the same guys that thought the Spice Girls were bigger than the Beatles.  Case closed.  I'll take the egg, in some bizarre pre-historic "VelociChicken" love triangle thing.....


2. -- "Rock, Paper, Scissors"

Which lawyer made THIS thing?

Don't ask who had a problem with this one, but rest assured, there is too much ro-sham-bo goin' on in our office to decide who's buying lunch that day....

OK, I'm sure everyone has heard of the ol' "Rock / Paper / Scissors" game, and has probably used this ancient version of the first "hand held game" in existence.  But there has always been something about this game that bothered me...

OK, see if I'm goofy.... (Don't answer that.) .... OK, if rock breaks scissors, and paper covers rock, how in the heck do scissors cut paper?  I mean, if paper covers rock, how come paper can't just cover scissors, too?  What's up with that?

I gotta say, I'm takin' scissors every time in every rock / paper / scissors game from now on.  I'll be undefeated.  Someone get the think tank from MIT on this.  We're needin' a clarification on this.  Get back to me, ASAP, at this link.  Lunch is riding on this.

Obviously, the crew here at Aces Casino has too much free time on their hands.  That having been said, I'm STILL pickin' scissors.  Two conundrums down, and one to go.

3. -- Evolution - "Did Man Evolve from Apes?" 

"Are we EVER going to the playoffs again?"

This one doesn't say much for us men, in my humble opinion.  OK, so, if Man evolved from Apes, how stupid are the apes that are still roaming the earth?  You tellin' me they didn't get the memo?  Simply put, if men DID evolve from apes, why are there still apes?  And, sorry, Raider fans don't count in this theoretical discussion.  They haven't evolved yet, either.  See picture, above.

I think I saw an ape beating three Raider fans at checkers last week over at the zoo.  They were playing for smokes.  Don't ask.  It was ugly.  When Raider fans are involved, it usually IS ugly.  Trust me.  And don't ever invite those fans to your daughter's birthday party.  The spikes they wear always pop the kids' balloons.  Then, Crying usually ensues.  Oh, and it ain't the little kids that are crying.  It's the RAIDER fans that are doin' the bawling, Especially when the birthday girl brings up the Raider's record over the last ten years.  That REALLY brings on the water-works, But, I digress.... (grin)

Well, there you have it, my Aces Casino blog-reading friends -- If THAT hasn't totally muddied the water, I don't know what would.  Here's our pledge -- We promise to stick with what we know best (being the top orange county casino party company), and stay away from tough riddles, if you'll promise to call us, ask for a quote, and NOT mention "the Chicken or the Egg."  

OK, heads or tails on who buys lunch?  Hey, that reminds me....Which one is more likely to.....

Uhh, no, we're fresh out of British researchers.  Just call tails, it never fails.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: "Casino War" Is Available To Play In Las Vegas Casinos? What's Next: Dodgeball?

When you're considered the leader of the pack when it comes to orange county casino night events, it just stands to reason that people are going to ask the team at Aces Casino about some of the games they've recently seen being spread in that "Glitter Gulch" known as Las Vegas, and rightly so.

Hey, we always pride ourselves in the motto that reads something like, "when you need expert advice, always go to the pros."  Yeah, that motto, and the OTHER one we live by -- "This job beats working."  (Ed. note: "This Beats Working IS  actually the motto at Aces Casino.)  We're always happy to help with info about ALL of the games in Vegas, as well as games that are played around the world.  

Great job, isn't it?  (grin)  Yes, actually, it is.  Being a part of this orange county casino night party company has it's perks; Even when we get what sounds like the craziest question we've heard in quite a while....

"Hey, Aces... Can you tell us which casinos in Las Vegas are spreading 'Casino War?'"

Our first impression of this question was, "Casino WAR?  You mean that kid's game with the dueling decks of cards?  Ummm, none, would be OUR guess."  BUZZZZZZZZ.  Nope, sorry, "O wonderful orange county casino party guru," that's incorrect.

Surprisingly, "Casino War" is currently appearing at virtually EVERY Strip AND Downtown casino venue in the great city of Las Vegas, not to mention the large number of online casinos that also offer the game.  (And we thought that they only played "War" in that Chevy Chase "Vegas Vacation film.)  Just proves one of the age-old points here at Aces Casino - "We learn something new every day."  (Sometimes, MORE than one thing, especially at 'tax time.')

There it is, my friends.  In the flesh.  (Or Felt.)

Now, as you can imagine, the house rules of "Casino War" pretty much follow the rules that the players around your kitchen table had, with possibly a FEW minor "alterations"  thrown in to make the game more "casino-like."  Take a look at how the casinos like to run this favorite of kids from 3 to 93, courtesy of Casino-Odds Superstar Michael Shackelford, A.K.A. the "Wizard Of Odds..."

  1. The game is played with six decks. Cards are ranked as in poker, except aces are always high. The suit does not matter.
  2. After the players have made a wager each player and the dealer shall get one card.
  3. Each player's card shall be compared with the dealer's card. If the player's card is higher he wins even money. If the dealer's card is higher the player loses.
  4. In the event of a tie the player shall have two choices: (1) surrender and forfeit half the bet or (2) go to war (see rule 5).
  5. If the player elects to go to war he must raise his bet by an amount equal to his original wager. The dealer will do the same but this is just for show. The dealer will then burn three cards and give the player and dealer another card each. If the player's second card equals or beats the dealer then the player shall win even money on the raise only and the original wager shall push. If the dealer's second card is greater the player shall lose both bets. (Ouch. That's where the house edge kicks in.)
  6. At some casinos, the Mirage and Casino Niagara to name just two, a tie after a tie will result in a bonus equal to the original wager. At the Casino Niagara they say the raise pays 3 to 1 but the initial bet loses, which is mathematically the same thing.
  7. A tie bet is also available, which pays 10 to 1 if the first two cards tie.  (Gee, isn't that great!  NOT.  Check out the house edge that the Wiz says you're playing against with THAT bet - over EIGHTEEN PERCENT.  Double-Ouch.)
And there you have it, my friends.  "Casino War" in a nutshell, courtesy of the curious folks over at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party champions of all that IS gaming.   Yes, Aces does offer "Casino War" at any of it's many southland-based casino party events.  But beware: We'll ALSO do something that most VEGAS casinos WON'T do - Warn you about that "War" bet in Rule 5.  You're laying two-to-one!  I'm better off trying my luck at "Casino Dodge Ball," when they start having THAT at my fave casino.

On second thought, I'd best not try THAT game, either.  It'd just be MY luck that I'd plunk down my $10, then find out that the casino has employed Nolan Ryan and Joel Zumaya as their reps for Dodge Ball.

Don't laugh.  I bet Ryan can still bring it, but I'm not betting ten bucks that I'm going to avoid having the word, "Voit,"  backwards-plastered on my forehead.  Let Robin Ventura try it, first.  You're not puttin' noogies on MY head, "Mr. Express."

Definition: "Noogies." (v.)  See Above.

Moral of the story: When Nolan Ryan plunks me on the noggin with a hundred-mile-an-hour Voit-Ball, do NOT charge the Casino mound.  Noogies WILL take place.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em "The Next Great Game" Most People Haven't Even Heard Of - Yet


Let it be said that Aces Casino has NEVER been able to keep a secret.  That's right, the orange county casino party giant of SoCal pleads guilty to spilling the beans about another fantastic casino game that some of you may have SEEN in your local casino, but have not yet played, for fear of having a 'new game' take you to the cleaners.  (Been there, done that.)  Or, maybe you haven't heard of it at all.  No problem.  Either way, today is your lucky day! 

The name of the game is "Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em," a game that SOME readers might think is that game that ESPN televises from Vegas, "The World Series Of Poker."   That no-limit-thingy.  No, that's "Texas Hold-'Em," but it's not ULTIMATE Texas Hold-'Em. 

THIS is Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em.

This particular casino game is played on a blackjack-sized casino table, not one of those oblong poker tables.  Much easier to play at this type of table, in my humble opinion.  
However.....First off, let's skip to the back page of our book, and mention the most important thing to know when venturing up to a table like this, or ANY casino table, period: KNOWING how to PLAY THE GAME.   There's nothing worse than losing your entire gaming bankroll at a table where you didn't really have a firm grasp on just how to approach the game.  

So, it's time to let our readers in on a not-so-little secret.  Allow me to introduce our Aces Casino Blog fans to the man I consider the sole authority on the rules, odds and probabilities of literally EVERY casino game known to mankind: Michael Shackelford, also more commonly known in the casino gaming industry as the "Wizard Of Odds."

Michael has forgotten more about casino game odds and structure than all of us combined are EVER going to know.  You wanna study a casino game?  Check out his vast casino-sized web site.  Rumor has it that the two of us went to school together -- More like I got "schooled" by the Wiz.  But, I digress.  Go check out his site, and we'll see you back here in about three years.  (He has that much info to see, believe me.  You'll love it.)  Bottom line: Michael's web site is one of the best on the web, period, when it comes to casino gaming.  A MUST-bookmark.  You can thank me later.

"You're Off to see the Wizard!" No, that's not Michael.

Now, we here at the orange county casino party crew from Aces Casino COULD NOW attempt to bore you with some of our OWN mind-numbing stats and rules on how to play the game (no, Michael, your stats aren't boring.  I know you hate people re-printing your work, and rightly so.), but there's a MUCH better way to learn this fairly exciting addition to most people's "Casino Repertoire" than falling asleep at the "Aces 101" class = And THAT'S to use what people in our industry call a "Game Trainer."

A WHAT?

A Game Trainer.  (Or a simulator.)  Simply stated, there are very good systems on the web that will allow people to play the many available casino games online, and play with "play money," just for the fun of playing.  We call these sites "trainers," and, because of our tireless work (about 30 seconds), we have found a FANTASTIC trainer for Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em, which you can locate right here.  This web site perfectly re-creates the feel of playing "Ultimate" at a real casino table, with the exception of that "sting."  No real money.  Just PLAY money.  It has all the tools that you'll need to get the feel of how this game actually functions, meaning that this IS the best trainer for this game on the web.

Go ahead, have a blast.  Lose all the play money you want.  (I did.)  It'll give you more, I promise.. You can try the game out, and, when using some of the suggested playing methods mentioned by the ol' "Wizard Of Odds" himself, you'll learn this game in no time.

Now, once you've taken the time to put that Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em trainer through it's paces, we here at the orange county casino night company known as Aces Casino have a GREAT idea -- Call Aces Casino and request an event that features Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em.  We're one of the few casino party companies in Southern California that HAVE the game in stock, with the pro dealers that can teach you the game.

Then, get some of your friends together and host an "Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em Party" at your home or favorite banquet hall!   We'll bring the table, the dealer, and even the play money.  It's a great way to try out this "new kid on the block" before wagering a dime of your own money in Las Vegas.  I guarantee you -- Playing THIS game on one of the Aces Casino tables makes the game seem just like the real thing. We ALWAYS provide the BEST in casino-quality tables and dealers in the industry.

OK, that's all for now.  Take it from the orange county casino party leaders in SoCal -- Enjoy this new game, and drop us a line and tell us what you think about Ultimate Texas Hold-'Em -- We think you'll like it.  (BUT...PRACTICE, first.  That's REAL money you're playing with!)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Top 3 "Mega-Hit" TV Shows That Have Just Become Flat-Out "Unwatchable!"


The crew at Aces Casino, Whittier's orange county casino party company, was sitting around the offices the other night catching up on some serious television after another fantastic casino party weekend, a TV night with the team that turned into a night of, "hey, change the channel, find something that's worth watching."

Yeah, good luck with that.

Hmm..Hey, there's Clippers basketball?  "Uhh, no."  Hmmmm... How about Pawn Stars?  "Nah, seen it three times.  It's the one where Hoss buys the hot-air balloon for like a hundred grand, Chumlee wants to go into the balloon ride business, and Rick gets pissed.."   Oh, yeah, I remember.... How about 'Cheaters?'  Four blank stares were the response for that one.  "If I wanted to watch some clueless wife hire a TV show detective service with cameras in tow trying to catch her lying husband cheating on her with some skank, I'd go home and sit out on my patio at my apartment complex" was the unified retort.

Turns out that's what we should have done in the first place.

Bottom line from the orange county casino party guys-turned TV critics: There's not much on TV after midnight on the weekends.  THEN, surprisingly enough, there WERE three shows sitting on our DVR system that we decided to go to, to end the TV-watching drought.  And, not so surprisingly, ALL THREE ended up being deleted from the DVR's queue after about 20 minutes of TV watching.

Then, it hit us.  "Aces Casino Blog!"

Yep, pretty much.  So, courtesy of your favorite orange county casino night party company, here were those same three DVR'd shows that instantly were deemed "unwatchable" by our Aces Casino crew, listed in the order that we TRIED to watch them, before giving it up....

#1 -- "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"

We remember when we first saw this show on "E," I think it was.  "Whoa, check out that Kim Kardashian."  That was enough for us.  We'd just sit there and watch as she's walk around and talk with her sisters, or make something in the kitchen.  Then, a surprise!  Bruce Jenner walked into the kitchen!  At least, it LOOKED like Bruce.  (Yeah, it was.  Sorry, I'm stuck in the eighties.  I remember what Bruce USED to look like.  We all get old, Aces, remember that.)

Well, after watching about seven or eight more episodes of this "Brady Bunch on Steroids" TV show, we found out why Bruce looks like he does, now.  It's that FAMILY!

First off, Bruce's wife is a drama queen and a big ol' fibber.  If I had a buck for every time that woman threw the olympic decathlete under the bus on that show, I wouldn't have to write these blogs.  She's a pain.  Then, Kim's sis, Chloe?  She must be adopted.  She's about a foot taller than the other girls, looks NOTHING like the others, is as dumb as a box of rocks, has allegedly married Lamar Odom of the Lakers (talked to a buddy of mine in the PR biz - He says it's a sham, they ain't hitched, you heard it here, first), and is as boring as watching paint that's already dry, DRY.  There were more family members floating in and out of the picture, but they don't matter.  They're not entertaining, either.

Then, for us, the death blow came every time "the girls" went to work at their lil' shop called "Dash."  I think it's a clothing store.  Not sure.  (Sorry - I'm not looking for anything in the background when Kim was on screen.  Sue me.)  It seems like these chicks were always arguing about what to do and whose ideas were better, so they'd end up doing nothing.   That place can't STILL be open, can it?  I'll look that up, and get back to you.

Bottom line here?  Unwatchable.  The mom reminds me of my Mother-In-Law, and we're in pain every time we see Jenner get mistreated.  Get out of there, Bruce.  Come work for us.  And, as for Kim?  If you think she's watchable, you're in luck.  She's now a professional celebrity.  You can see here EVERYWHERE.  And, she's cuttin' a CD, folks.  "Now, Isn't that SPECIAL?" If I wanted to hear singing like that, I'll open the window at home, and listen to the cats on the fence.  Thanks a LOT, Bruce!  How did these people get on TV?

Don't answer that.  Probably just how I started watching.   (Ed. note: Yes, the "Dash" store IS a clothing store, and DOES appear to still be open, in the city of Calabasas.  Here's a picture of the interior of the store.  The store won't BE there long, though, if you listen to the reviews.  The staff must be brutal.)

Makes ME wanna shop there.  Looks like my closet.  AND my floor.

#2 -- "V" 

This hurts to say this, being that we're such BIG fans of bad "Godzilla" films, but this redux of the old 1980's Sci-Fi mini-series featuring the "visitors" that are human on the outside, yet lizard-like on the inside, is just DRAGGING ON.  I've seen more exciting TV action on "Dora The Explorer."  

As usual, we started watching this show because the "Leader" of the "Visitors" (an actress named Morena Baccarin) is a FOX, but, after a while, she turns out to be just like some of the other women I had dated back when dinosaurs roamed the earth -- She's a totalitarian space lizard who has come to Earth to eat all of us.  This show wins the Aces Casino "Get ON With It" Award.  Nah, too late.  Unwatchable.  But, let me know when Morena Baccarin gets another gig.  She can come to work for us, too.  She can keep Jenner company.  Call us, Morena.

#3 -- "Jersey Shore"

(Laugh)  Holy MOLY!  Have you SEEN this show?  I remember the first "Jersey Shore" episode we watched, we thought, "hmm, maybe this might work."  Yeah, Aces.  That's right up there with, "hmm, maybe you can go on 'American Idol' and win."  Ain't happenin'. 

I mean, REALLY.... From Snooki to Deena, from "Pauly D" to "The Situation," this show just jumps out and pulverizes everything you thought was in bad taste.  Yep, there's now a NEW definition of "Bad Taste."  

This show is just too much.  They all look like they've been hanging out in the tanning booth for too long.  Someone must have bought one.  (Ed. note: Actually true: the show's "D.J.," Pauly-D, actually DOES own one.  BIG surprise.)  

Check out one show?  Yeah, that's cool, GOTTA see one.  Seven shows?  Uhh, no, it's got to go.  I'm sure these "Celebrities" think they're going to be in the public eye forever.  Got news for you, Snooki!  (I always wanted to say that.)  Unwatchable.  Get it now, before it's gone from MTV.  

 Oh, SURE, BIG plans for stardom HERE  (Not.)

Hey, we've got an idea for the next big thing in TV - COMBINE all three of these shows!  Get this premise: Take the Kardashian / Jenner family, and merge them into the same house with the cast from Jersey Shore.  Get your cameras ready and watch the hi-jinks unfold when Bruce Jenner meets Snooki, and Kim Kardashian hooks up with "The Situation."  Then, when everyone's asleep, tell Bruce Jenner he has a call outside to get him out of the house, then send in that human-eating lizard chick, and it's all over.  BIG ratings, we promise.  Who WOULDN'T want to see THIS??.  The orange county casino party crew does it again.

Don't thank us.  Just send the royalties checks to Aces Casino.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: NFL, NFLPA Labor Unrest? NOT Good News For the Fans of the NFL (Or, IS it?)


Anyone that really knows Aces Casino, the top orange county casino party company in SoCal, knows that the staff here lives and breathes the NFL.  And, unfortunately, most of us are ALSO old enough to remember 1987.  (Yes, dear, I said 1987, not 1887.  She thinks I'm so old that when the Lord said, "Let There Be Light," I was the one that threw the switch.)

Why bring up 1987, you say?  Well, for NFL fans, 1987 was "The Year Of The Lock-Out."  The NFLPA wanted more money (shock), and the owner's told them, "Our FRANCHISES make up the NFL, NOT the players," and promptly locked all the then-current NFL players out, and brought in the infamous "replacement players."

Returning to present day, us OLD "fans" of the NFL are beginning to hear the same rhetoric coming from the NFL owners and the NFLPA --- Specifically, the word, "Lockout."  Boiled down to the brass tacks, the NFL owners are suggesting that paying NFL salaries to the tune of 53% of the overall league profits is too much, and that it's time for a restructuring of not only the NFL's "wage scale," but also things like rookie salary caps, lengthening the regular season schedule to 18 games, and many other pretty serious negotiation points.

This isn't good.


Yes, the two sides have agreed on ONE thing -- They need to postpone the expiration of the collective bargaining agreement between the two sides.  Unfortunately, THAT'S all they've agreed on after four years of non-sense negotiating.  Extend the deadline.  Yeah, this looks bad.

Or DOES it?

That's right, my friends, here's good ol' Aces Casino, the orange county casino party "irreverence crew," suggesting that a strike / lockout (whichever you want to call it) in the NFL might not be so bad after all.  Especially if you're a fan of the San Diego Chargers, like WE are, and ESPECIALLY if the NFL's Owner-triggered 'Lockout' lasts for the entire season. 

OK, here's our thinking on this (and we use the term, "thinking," VERY loosely --

Think back, you Charger fans, all the way back to 1987.  The Chargers limped out to a 1-and-1 start in the '87 season when the NFL lockout happened around the 1st of October of that year.  And, when this lockout happened, the OWNERS showed that they'd teach the NFLPA a lesson by bringing in 32 sets of "replacement players," in effect, a whole new roster of players for each NFL franchise.

These replacement players would pick up where the REAL players left off, and the games would go on as scheduled.  As a San Diego Charger season-ticket holder, I immediately went to the team's schedule, to see where this "Re-Charger" team would be playing.  The answer?  THREE consecutive road games, a part of the sched that I thought the REAL Charger team was going to have problems facing.

Ahh, but not the RE-CHARGERS.

This rag-tag band of semi-pro players ran off an instant three-game winning streak on the road, defeating Cincinnati, Tampa Bay, and the Raiders, boosting the team's record to 4-1 on the season.  Suddenly, the Chargers weren't also-rans -- They were the TOAST of the AFC West.  And, all of these OTHER replacement-player teams looked AWFUL.  Could THIS actually be IT?  Could the Chargers actually go to the Super Bowl with this Rick Neuheisel-led "Re-Charger" team?

Uhh, no.

OF COURSE NOT.  Against my wishes, the NFL Owners and the Players' Association settled their differences once the Chargers got to 4-and-1, and the NFL player lockout ended.

Crap.

What happened next?  Well, the REAL Chargers limped back in and actually stretched the Re-Chargers' record to 8-1 on the season, before ultimately collapsing into a mosh-pit of flames when they lost their last SIX regular-season games by an AVERAGE of more than 17 points, finished 8-and-7, and missed the '87 NFL Playoffs.  The Aces Casino dream was dead.

Crap.

Bye-Bye Super Bowl, hello mediocrity.  It took five years more before the team returned to the NFL post-season.  FIVE MORE YEARS.

Damned contract negotiations.  So, THAT'S why we here at the orange county casino night party guys say, "Come on, lockout.  Bring back the Re-Chargers!  Lucas Oil Stadium, here we come!"

Yeah, we know that the era of the "Replacement Players" is over, and that the NFL Owners wouldn't dare make THAT mistake again.

Hey, I can DREAM, can't I?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Aces Casino: Top 5 "People In The News" That We Wish Would Please GET OFF Of Our Television


This is all TMZ's fault.  We know it here at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party leader, and THEY know it. Why? BECAUSE.  They're TMZ, It's Harvey Levin's Video "gossip machine."  When it comes to re-hashing dopey "B-List celebs (and "Celebs" SHOULD be in quotes, also), It's like Pacino's old line from 'The Godfather, Part Three...:' (and, no, Al, you're NEVER going to be a 'B-Lister'.)

"Just when I thought I was out, they PULL ME BACK IN."
 
So true.  Just when you thought that a certain celebrity was going to FINALLY go away, someone like TMZ or some other gossip vid-mag dredges them back up and posts their puss on the internet for all to see.  And you know what?

WE LOVE IT.

Right up front, we admit it.  Here at the top orange county casino night company in SoCal: We LOVE this dreck - Or is it we love to HATE this dreck?  Well, either way, until  someone comes up with an anti-dreck filter, this "pseudo-journalism" is thankfully here to stay.

Oh, and, for the record, we love Lizard Lick Towing, Operation Repo (Did you know this group made their own MOVIE?  And Joey Buttafuoco is in it?  Remember THAT guy?  I kid you not.  Look it up.) , and Storage Wars, too.  Yes, friends, it's true: Aces Casino must have WAY too much DVR-usable time on it's hands.

HOWEVER...... There are also times when "too much of a good thing" is bad for you.  You know what we mean... Too much time playing video games, playing poker for 36 hours straight (did I say that?  Around here, that statement might violate our in-house "dishonor code"), staying up all night watching "Three Stooges" marathons (well, maybe not THAT one, I'm a member of THAT web site).

Sometimes, you just get too much of something or someone, and when THAT happens, it's time to act, my friends.  ESPECIALLY when it comes to what we like to define as "Professional Celebrities" -- People that are basically famous for being famous.  When you look in the dictionary under the term, "Professional Celebrity," Brooke Shields' picture comes up.  You know the deal.

So, here at Aces Casino, the orange county casino party kingpins, It's time to pull over the most serious offenders of the "TMZ-set," the "celebs" that are seriously over-exposed, and qualify for the latest addition to the Aces Casino "useless fact file," submitted for your approval in reverse order....

The Top 5 People In The News That We Wish Would Just Go AWAY.

#5 -- Ted Williams

Falling from the infamous "#1 spot" is our golden-throat homeless guy from Ohio, Ted Williams.  That's right, he was the man that burst onto the scene with a "bang" when he was spotted by a Cleveland, Ohio news crew, panhandling with a sign declaring his "Goid-Given Gift" of incredible pipes.

Yeah, he sounded fantastic - For the first 48 hours.

Then, unfortunately, as many people in the know were predicting, the feel-good story turned to the "Nightmare On Dr. Phil Street," when the world at large were exposed (dare I say, OVER-exposed) to this man's current drug and alcohol problems of today, combined with us ALSO being brought up-to-date on what his PAST entailed.  Holy SMOKES -- Multiple children, non-payment of child support, "a bottle of Grey Goose every night," family skirmishes at posh Southern California hotels.....The list goes on and on.

As we've said before, we hope for the best for Ted, but expect the worst, and in our not-so-humble opinion, it's going to end up being a train wreck-media circus, which is just the reward for the media-types that created this monster.  "You KNOW you LOVE it."

#4 -- Lady Gaga

OK, right up front...What's the vote?  Chick, or dude?  I've been on the fence for 16 months, now, when it comes to that on-going survey.

Taking a page or two out of the Liberace playbook, this talentless media whore has been parading around ion the most outlandish costumes the music world has ever seen, and combined the look with a singing style that reminds me of my Aunt Nonie, who smoked about five packs of Camels a day, and sounded like a longshoreman when she spoke.

He/She is the poster child for "people that should just try to entertain us, and quit telling us what she likes and dislikes.  Hey, "Lady" -- Keep the machine running as long as you can.  Courtney Love called, and she's going to want her throne back.  You aren't the Queen of the Bizarre -- SHE is.

#3 -- Justin Bieber

If there's ANYONE that has ridden the media circus wagon more than THIS kid, I can't find them.  He's only #3 because he's one of those "creations of the music industry," a kid that has already wrote a book (Even though I'm guessing he's never READ one), made a MOVIE about his life called "Never Say Never," and has appeared on the usual suspects when it comes to media appearances.

This one falls on the parents.  WHAT, you say they're DIVORCED?  I'm SHOCKED.  REALLY?  Wow, I don't know about YOU, but isn't THAT a surprise?

Uhh, NO.

Mom travels with the lil' snipe, and is probably the one that takes a towel, puts it on the kids head, and spins him around for what looks like three revolutions, to get his hair to look like that.  People, when the hairstyle changes, maybe THEN, you'll wake up.  I hate it when media types ask this kid about life experiences.  LIFE EXPERIENCES?  He's just turned 18.  Take this kid away, please.  When the music stops on THIS one, the crash will be LOUD, just like....

#2 -- Lindsey Lohan

OK, what's up with this?  WHY are people so enamored with this woman?  It CAN'T be "Herbie Fully Loaded," CAN it?  Or Ugly Betty?  Or "Freaky Friday?"  When they gave that 2010 Love-Bug movie it's title, did they call it that to pay homage to this drug-crazed Kleptomaniac?  She LOOKS like she's "Fully Loaded," every time she appears in court for whatever the charges are THIS time.  Borrr-Ing.

Seriously, TMZ...WHY follow this woman?  We don't need to see that judge givin' her the business and lecturing her - AGAIN.  We've got Judge Judy for THAT, and she's MUCH more fun to watch than this Lohan chick.  Nope, had enough of Lindsey, and also have seen enough of the Dad, Michael, too.  PLEASE, people.  No more Lohan.

#1 -- (Was there any doubt?) Charlie Sheen

Just when you thought Lohan had the #1 spot locked up, here comes THIS guy.  OK, now, If I remember correctly, this is the guy from movies like "Major League," Wall Street," and, uhh, are there any others?  Oh, yeah, I forgot - He moved quickly to "Two And A Half Men", a pretty popular TV show.  At least, it WAS, until CBS-TV pulled the el-plug-o.

Reason? 

Hmm...Let's see....Maybe any and all of THESE might be the reason...

January 1990: While in their home, Sheen accidentally shoots fiance Kelly Preston in the arm. The relationship ends.

September 1990: Sheen completes drug rehab a month after checking himself in.

July 1995: Sheen testifies in the tax evasion trial of Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss, admitting he spent almost $53,000 on her prostitutes.

December 1996: Sheen is arrested for allegedly beating porn star girlfriend Brittany Ashland, who claimed he slammed her into the marble floor of his home and threatened to kill her if she told anyone.

June 1997: Sheen pleads no-contest to the Ashland charges and is sentenced to a one-year suspended prison term and two years of probation.

May 1998: Sheen is hospitalized after a cocaine overdose. Father Martin Sheen turns him over to authorities for violating his probation. Sheen later checks himself into Promises rehab center.

March 2005: Denise Richards, Sheen's second wife, files for divorce while pregnant with the couple's second daughter. She says Sheen had been abusing drugs and alcohol.


March 2005: Porn star and escort Chloe Jones tells the National Enquirer Sheen was among her clients and had paid her $15,000 for oral sex. Sheen's agent disputes the claim. Now THERE'S a guy with a tough job.  (I heard he quit.)


April 2006: In order to obtain a restraining order, Richards signs a declaration stating that in the middle of an argument on Dec. 30, 2005, Charlie pushed and shoved her while she was holding their daughter Lola.  According to the declaration, Charlie pointed his finger at her and screamed, "I hope you f---ing die, b----." (THAT'S nice.)


March, 2008: Jason Itzler claims he sent Ashley Dupre (the same Dupre who later had a relationship with Eliot Spitzer) and another girl to have a threesome with Sheen for $20,000. Sheen's reps deny the report.

December 2009: Sheen is arrested in Aspen, Colo., on domestic violence charges after an alleged altercation with third wife Brooke Mueller, the mother of his twins.

"Gee, officer, how'd THAT get there?"

February 2010: Sheen's Mercedes is stolen and found upside-down at the bottom of a cliff near Mulholland Drive. Police say they do not believe Sheen was in the car because he would have been injured in the accident.

February 2010: Sheen is charged with felony menacing and misdemeanor third-degree assault and criminal mischief in connection with the Aspen arrest. He pleads not guilty in March.

February 2010: Sheen announces he's voluntarily checking into rehab and takes time off from Two and a Half Men. In May, he signs a two-year deal that will pay him $1.8 million per episode.

August 2010: Sheen pleads guilty to the Aspen charges and is sentenced to 30 days in rehab, 30 days of probation and 36 hours of anger management.

October 2010: Sheen is reportedly removed from The Plaza Hotel in New York City after causing a disturbance, and allegedly doing $7,000 worth of damage to the room. Richards, who was also staying at the hotel, separately from Sheen, accompanies him to the hospital. His rep says Sheen had an "allergic reaction" to medicine.

November 2010: Capri Anderson, an adult film star who was with Sheen at The Plaza, sues him, claiming he choked her. Sheen countersues Anderson, claiming she tried to extort him. Sheen is not prosecuted for the incident at The Plaza Hotel.

January 2011: Sheen goes on a reported bender in Las Vegas - where he allegedly parties with a group of women that includes porn stars, strippers, and Michelle "Bombshell" McGee - but returns in time for work on Two and a Half Men.

January 2011: Sheen is rushed to the hospital for severe abdominal pains that a friend of Sheen says came from the actor laughing too hard at the TV.  Shortly after, Sheen begins a rehabilitation program in his home. Two and a Half Men goes on production hiatus.

February 2011: Sheen begins a rant about Two and a Half Men creator and executive producer Chuck Lorre on The Dan Patrick Show, where he blames the producers for delaying the return of the show. Lorre responds with a vanity card reading, "If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I'm gonna be really pissed." Sheen's ensuing rants (challenging Lorre to a fight, and saying he owns him) and behavior force CBS and Warner Bros. TV to shut down production for the rest of the season. Sheen responds by saying he would return to the series for Season 9 if Lorre is not involved.  (Yeah, good luck with that.)

OK, bottom line: He's just a bad guy.  He's got to go.  But, if you believe Aces Casino, SoCal's top orange county casino night party company, well, "he ain't goin' ANYWHERE." The media's eating this guy up, and with all of these impromptu radio and TV appearances, he'll be on the screen and on your radio for quite some time, spewing more of his inner vitriol.

Unfortunately.

Sorry, Lindsey.  Hey -- Link up with Bieber and create some bizarre tryst, and maybe you'll get back your number one spot and drag ol' swirly-hair along with you. 

Oooh.  Forgot.  Selena Gomez.  AND Charlie Sheen.  Nope, that's not gonna beat HIS act.

(Ed. Note: We had a picture of Bieber up on our Blog for this article, but his mom took it away, and wanted money from us to post it.  Yeah, THAT'S happening.  Case closed.)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Aces Casino Blog: Did You Ever Wonder Out Loud, "Wow, What Are The Odds Of THAT Happening?"



It seems that people are always surprised when they find out that Aces Casino just doesn't pride itself on being the top orange county casino party company in Southern California; We also like to be the place where people go to find out the silliest, most irrelevant information available anywhere, which, over the years, has made us the proud keeper of the "useless facts file." 

We'd like to say that we don't know just HOW we were hired for this job, but, when we thought about it for about 6 seconds, it came to us -- It HAD to be when we saw that 8-year-old kid at the miniature golf course.

This slight lad, who was carrying (more like dragging) this huge putter up to the tee-box on the par-3 15th hole, one of those dreaded "windmill" holes, waited all of 2 seconds before striking his lil' green ball so hard that we thought it was going to orbit the earth.  Instead of going through the little hole at the bottom of the windmill like it was SUPPOSED to, it struck a concrete brick at the speed of light, flew straight up in the air about 50 feet or so, right over our heads, landed on the putting green behind us on the 14th hole that we had just completed, bounced twice, and fell right into the cup.

Show-off.

Hey...THAT'S a Hole-In-One, in MY book. 

But even MORE interesting to me was the immediate response from both the little boy's mother, as well as one of our Aces Casino office representatives, when we all witnessed this feat -- "Wow, now what are the odds of THAT happening?"

And THAT'S how it all started.  We HAD to find out.  Hey, we HAVE to find the answer.  We're the orange county casino party leaders.  It's our JOB to know the odds of a particular thing like this happening, isn't it?  I mean, we already KNOW the odds of a player betting one unit on the correct number in regards to a "00" Roulette wheel is 37-to-1.  But, what are the odds of OTHER things occurring?  Things that don't necessarily have to do with casino party happenings?

And from that point on, the team at Aces Casino was destined to be the "Keeper of the Odds."  Whenever someone would come to us during one of our orange county casino night events with that type of question, we'd take it upon ourselves to answer it.  Maybe not that night, but we always promise to fully research any type of odds-related question, and get back to whomever was interested in "finding out the odds."

Funny how all of these "odd occurrences" add up.  So, we thought, since we've been assigned the task of properly maintaining the Aces Casino Blog, what better thing to write about than what the odds are of certain anomalies occuring?  And boy, have we compiled a list over the years. 

Here are some of the more interesting "Odds" of something happening, courtesy of Aces Casino, your orange county casino party company, and "Keeper Of The Odds....."

Odds of getting struck by lightning -- 576,000 to 1  (Tell that to Doug Miller, the ex-San Diego Charger.  Look it up.)

Odds of winning the lottery (varies) -- Approximately 14 million to 1 (Which means I'll be struck by lightning about 24 times before winning the lottery.  That's something the lottery doesn't tell you.  After 3 strikes, I'm out.)

Odds of injuring yourself shaving -- 6,585 to 1  (Must include getting tripped by the dog)


Odds of being killed by fireworks -- 615,488 to 1  (I knew that the "Smoky Joe's Cabin" firework was dangerous.)

Odds of being injured by fireworks --19,556 to 1

Better make that 2-To-1.


Odds of winning an Olympic medal: 662,000 to 1 


Odds of being injured by a toilet -- 10,000 to 1  


Odds of injury from mowing the lawn -- 3,623 to 1 (I told my wife, but she doesn't care.  She'll buck the odds.)


Odds of winning an Academy Award -- 11,000 to 1  (Pauly Shore's dream lives on.)


Odds of dying from a shark attack -- 300,000,000 to 1  (Honest.)


Odds of bowling a "300" game -- 11,500 to 1  (Something I have actually done.)


Odds of dating a supermodel -- 88,000 to 1  (Something I have NOT done.)

Odds of becoming a Saint -- 20,000,000 to 1  (Does that count the New Orleans Saints?)

Odds of your house being hit by a meteor -- 182,138,880,000,000 to 1  (Which means that right after winning the lottery, the meteor will strike my home.)

And here are the most requested odds at our orange county casino party company events....

House edge vs. the players in the most popular casino games....

Craps (double odds) 0.60%
Blackjack 0.80%
Baccarat (banker) 1.17%
Baccarat (player) 1.63%
Pai Gow Poker 2.5%
Roulette (single zero) 2.7%
Three-Card Poker 3.4%
Let It Ride 3.5%
Sports Betting 4.5%
Caribbean Stud Poker 5.26%
Roulette (double zero) 5.6%
Big 6 Wheel 11.1% to 24%

Well, there you have it, my friends.  Now you know the reason why all of those casinos in the nation get so tall.  They can afford to build bigger casinos -- THEY have the EDGE!  Remember that, the next time you swim on over to Las Vegas.  Better yet, give Aces Casino a call.  We'll set up an orange county casino party for you.  And the BEST part?  When you lose your chips at OUR even, we'll just give you MORE, for NOTHING.
 
Let's see Las Vegas do THAT.

Oh, we almost forgot -- Just what ARE the odds of getting a Hole-In-One?  Well, it depends.... It appears that this answer depends on the type of game you're playing.....


Odds Of shooting a Hole-In-One -- 12,750-to-1

Odds of a low-handicap golfer playing 1,000 rounds of golf shooting a Hole-In-One -- 5-to-1

Odds of a low-handicap golfer playing 5,000 rounds of golf shooting a Hole-In-One --Even Money  (Yeah, tell that to my Father-In-Law.)

And HERE'S the one that got ME --

Odds of a Hole-In-One on a Miniature Golf Course (18 holes) -- 1-to-9, which means you're a 9/1 favorite to GET a Hole-In-One during a normal round of mini-golf.

Heck, if I would have known that kid was a 9/1 chalk to sink a Hole-In-One, I woul;dn't have been so surprised.

Until he stepped up to the 16th hole (one of the dreaded 'ant-hill' holes) and promptly sunk THAT one for a Hole-In-One, also.  That type of hole is normally a "Take a '6,' and move to the next hole" type of hole for me.

8-year-old show-off.